I interrupt the culture of Florida series segment

To just talk about how I feel right now and ask for more prayers.

Sarah's dad...I don't know exactly how I feel some connection with him but I do..between the fact that Sarah is an amazing person and he has lung problems there is just something there.  His struggles bring me back to how I felt when my own dad was sick and how desperate you get to make them better.  Talking to doctors and nurses to see what you can do anything...just how you can make it all better...

Maybe getting some of this out will help me work through some of it, this will be totally all over the place too so please don't feel as though you have to read this.  lol

There are so many emotions that you go through during these times.  I remember feeling an emotional rollercoaster that had the lowest lows I have ever felt in my life, like desperation and heart wrenching loss and the honest to god feeling that your heart is literally breaking right then.  I held out all hope until 08 March 2007 at about 8:30pm...the hospital was trying to get my mom and called my cell phone accidentally and they told me that his condition had worsened but wouldn't tell me any more and they called my mom and she gave the DNR order and they told her that his death was imminent..those words are in my head to this day..my dad was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing..I couldn't even drive back to my moms house from my aunts as we made the caravan back to the hospital to say goodbye.  When we got there they had added another tube down his intubation tube that helped him with even more oxygen, I said everything that he knew all over again, and I told him that if I could pick anyone to be my dad it would have been him and I said goodbye and told him that it was ok that if he needed to go that I would be ok.  I knew that my dad wouldn't leave us on Olivia's 6 month old birthday and he didn't, he waited until 9am the next day 09 March..a day that changed my life, I hadn't heard my dads voice in 5 days at that point and I was never to hear it again.  I felt so helpless and scared like a little child.  The next morning when the dr called my cell he said "Steph, I pumped adrenaline into his heart and nothing is happening, its like pressing the gas pedal all the way down and the car just not going"...

I was putting Olivia in the car to get down to the hospital when I heard what I thought I was saying but now I think I heard it from someone else..I don't know now who knows...but I heard or said "I am with you"..it was in the very next moment that I heard the phone ring inside the house and my brother came running out crying but I knew as soon as I heard the phone ring...my brother was hysterical..he took Olivia and I ran in and basically fell on my mom and said "I want my daddy back" and was crying hysterically..hysterically...like crying I have never cried before in my life...ever.

The ride to the hospital felt impossible like it couldn't have happened..unfathomable that my dad was gone.  We got to the hospital and my aunt and mom went in first to see him and I went in with my aunt and cousin, it was so surreal, I was screaming that he had to wake up that I still needed him.

I adore Sarah and I know just what she is going through and I can't begin to explain how I feel for her, I think of "dad" all day every day, he is just always on my mind and I am thankful that Sarah has updated me as much as she has.  I have my mom's prayer group praying for him here, her church and we are all praying for him and the family.  It all brings back so many memories for me and so many emotions that I know Sarah is feeling as she goes through this.

Thats all for now, plenty huh?

The Golden Corral...oh my

Well, I SO wish I wasn't so obvious that people were looking at me attempting to take pictures of them for my blog but I just couldn't get my camera to work well in the confined space that is the golden corral.  I was honestly shocked and horrified that my mother would suggest going to this place for dinner but alas she did and as much as I stalled, it wasn't going to keep me out.

We got there and this is what greeted me -  what a welcoming place:

My attire consisted of a cashmere sweater, 7FAM jeans and leather flip flops and you would swear that I had on a fur coat in the middle of winter - and this is not to sound stuck up about what I wore at all but apparently the uniform is either skanky slutwear that is 3 sizes too small or your favorite nascar shirt or flannel and jean shorts, needless to say I stuck out like a sore thumb..had I known about the attire requirements I would have tried harder.

So, since my camera wasn't making me happy I have to explain the sub culture that is the golden corral of Brooksville, FL..there was and I swear I am not kidding a woman pushing a baby stroller and IN the 8 or 9 month old baby's cupholder was a glass of sweet tea (I heard her order it)  with a straw that she was drinking out of.

My very favorite was the honest to god 70lb 2 year old wedged and I mean WEDGED into a highchair - I am not sure how on earth they got this child in there in the first place.  OMG I could barely contain myself, they had a HEAPING plate of fried chicken, gravy and CAKE...it was gross.

Now on to something that i managed to capture unfortunately you would need video to really get the full effect of it.  There I was waiting for my mom to come out of the local walgreens and I noticed some action in the minivan drivers seat a few handicapped spots over..(no I wasn't in one) and it was this VERY LARGE *woman* moving around in it, well upon further inspection I realized that this person was fighting with someone in the backseat and the entire van was moving back and forth as she moved.  Well, once again upon closer inspection, this was an 11 or 12 year old girl...well the vans brake finally gave and the whole thing rolled back out of the spot and into the parking lot...it was freakin hysterical to see them scramble, and then the mom came out and was PISSED..I only got a picture of the girl when they had gotten the van back in the spot and relinquished the girl to the backseat...

 

I hope to have something better for you tomorrow..

Documentation of Florida "Culture" and the locals....Post 1 of however many it takes...

So, I love to document shit I see and typically I try to get pictures or a very accurate description..well since I am in Florida right now there is a plethora of stuff to get pictures of so I will start documenting stupid shit I see here...I have also figured out how to silence the "Ka-chh" of my cell phone camera.

So to start I have a hair braid turd in the publix paking lot.. 

And a woman in wal mart in fur coat (it was 60 outside and probably 75 in WM) and boots, she had huge lime green earrings a victoria beckham style haircut (mind you it was done in Florida) with some bad ass highlights...omg it was a trainwreck..so here she is from the back.

Cloth Diaper Picture...so cute

This really makes me want to have another especially since Sarah is having one..

Shane William is here!!!

And he is gorgeous!  He was born at 12:39pm today weighing 7 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches long!  Everyone is doing well!!  Jess will post her birth story when she has free time from adoring her new baby!!

Babywatch Harlan Update 3

As of 6:30 this am she was 3cm, 50% -2 station and they were starting pitocin again at 6:45

She started contracting a lot and hopped on her ball but they can't track the baby while shes on the ball and so shes getting the epi so that she can manage the pain in bed.

I am waiting on a text back for Shane's information so I will update with that when I have it.

Babywatch Harlan update 2

The pitocin hasn't helped there is no progress so they are going to try cervadil tonight and then pick up in the morning.

Babywatch Harlan 2009...He's on his way!

I am the official updater of the Harlan baby Shane so this is officially the start of babywatch 2009!!

Jess started to worry this morning when she wasn't feeling Shane move around so she called the dr and they said to come on in.  Now this is after a nasty fall yesterday which landed her in L&D but with a good NST.

She called Adam and he was on his way home when I spoke with her and her parents are on their way up and there is a babysitter on the way to watch Maggie so she went on to the hospital herself and Adam was staying behind for an hour and a half or so to watch Maggie until said babysitter arrived.

So, they are starting pitocin to induce this little guy out of there now and I will update as I know anything!!   Lets send lots of easy labor vibes to Jess...she had it so tough last time.

Feng Shui and my bedroom

So, we ordered a new bedroom set for presidents day weekend and what an adventure that was!  I can't begin to contain my excitement at the thought of having a "put together" bedroom..seriously.  Some background and context on why I might feel that way just to make it interesting:

We are currently using the headboard from my husbands old house (yes where his ex wife lived as well) which I detest..its so ornate and well just ugly.  Oh and did I mention HUGE?  My husbands old house was over 7000 sq feet so you can imagine the size of the master bedroom..well mine is not nearly that large.

So I decided on the King Street set from Thomasville which I love and it fits in the room so much nicer, it was more than I anticipated spending but who knew bedroom furniture cost 10,000 once you got all the pieces you need?  Seriously, I had NO CLUE, what a rip...I was thinking more along the lines of 5k?  Yeah, that would have covered the bed and night stand?  I really went into the wrong career..apparently I should have been making furniture.  It will be here in about 4 weeks so I need to get that room prepped and ready to go!  So on to the feng shui of my craptastic bedroom..

I am all about making my life more peaceful these days so this is terribly appealing to me and given that we are redoing the bedroom anyway this is a good time to make good energy flow changes!

So, one problem is that I have some pictures that I wanted to put in but they have water in them and you aren't supposed to have water in your bedroom because it douses the "fire"..LOL this makes me laugh.

My good points on the FS are:
I hate mirrors in the bedroom so there are none in my furniture order..
The bed is large and wooden
I ordered two bedside tables so there will be balance
I dont love taking care of plants and they typically turn brown anyway so there wont be any in my bedroom
there will be a clear path into the bedroom and to both sides of the bed
the tv will remain in my room but it will be in a cabinet  (I consider this a total win)
I do not exercise therefore I do not forsee a problem with having any exercise equipment in the room...LOL

Bad FS points:
I want to paint the room in a soothing ocean color (specifically benjamin moore rhine river), I really dont want a skin color in my room
Lighting, this really isn't a bad fs point other than for my electricians sake..aka my husband.
electromagnetic fields...yeah like my husband will ever leave his blackberry outside of our room..he just doesn't care about our romantic chi..thats all...lol

Well, I have bored you all enough with my feng shui stuff..and if you got this far who of you all believes in this?  I am not sure I do but its worth a try I figure harmony is one of my new buzz words for life.

What a crazy few days

Low points...

Sarah's dad is in the hospital again and needs all the prayers we can muster for him.  Also God if you are checking in on my blog here, I would like to be able to move his going home healthy to the high points for next week please k. thanks.

Karl had to stay in London until Friday

Alex popped by..

Holding my mom off on if we were going to drive to Florida or not this weekend...what a pita that was

High Points..

I got to go to a valentines day dinner with my husband ALONE..lovely and I had my first beer since getting sick.

I had my first cup of starbucks since getting sick (1/2 caff)

My baby made me laugh and smile a lot

My child was the most perfect companion in the car ride for over 1100 miles

I am sitting in a house that has the sliding doors open listening to birds singing and oh well..its 72 degrees..yay!!

I am honestly feeling more and more like myself and I am absolutely getting better!  I am hoping some time in the sunshine of Florida will do me some major good even though my mom has my entire time here planned out with lunches and dinners and parties. 

Neurologist Results

Really quickly...everything is fine, neuro says its nothing to worry about so thank you all so much for the prayers and thoughts.

I am feeling ok about 60% of the time....so I am really striving for 80% then I will work towards 100%

One funny thing in case you dont read comments and you are still looking for your three things today

Here is Scarlett..(Thanks Tiff) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk

And here is the guy who really made me laugh (Thanks Sarah) - go to 2:26:  Guy with a great laugh

Here's to finding 3 things that really make you laugh every day!

So, my dear husband likes Joel Osteen who I am not a huge fan of but can deal with him.  So, as I am going through all of this stress and anxiety and everything else I turned on the tv in the kitchen during breakfast, he happened to be on and the first words out of his mouth were, everyone is stressed and anxious..

So I decided to watch it for a bit and he said that everyone needs to find 3 things every day that make you laugh.  What I have realized is that I have truly lost my sense of humor..I don't laugh nearly as much or as easily as I used to so I am going to work on finding these three things every day.  He said something about laughing inside to yourself and chuckling and how that is no good for you and that you just need to let it out..

Laughing releases endorphins which just make you feel good and reduces stress hormones...so here's to laughing really hard 3 times a day!

I am officially a mommy....

Well, the change has happened, I am now mommy not mama.  Its a little bittersweet but its really sweet when she says it and it all happened yesterday randomly out of nowhere.

Just something I don't want to forget...

MRI results...

Well, its mostly good, they did find a small *something* in my brain (temporal lobe) thats about 1-2mm but its not a mass or tumor so I am not really worried.  I am going to see a neurologist so that I can actually KNOW what the hell it is, my family doctor was obviously not qualified and simply read me the radiologists report over the phone.  Its unfortunate he couldn't email me a copy so I could take a look at it, I am much better with my medical literature when its in black and white in front of me.

So anyways, thats that.  Today was a good day and I am so thankful for it, hopefully this keeps up and we have all good days from now on!

MRI of my brain...and other miscellaneous ramblings

Wow did that suck, I had to get stuck in that tube with my Jasonesque facemask, thank god I am not claustrophobic.  I was mostly pissed that at the end they didn't allow me to take a peek at my brain, for Christs sake, ITS MINE and not to mention my extensive medical expertise...now I have to wait for some half assed radiologist to look at it and send a report to my doctor.

I know whats wrong with me and so all of these tests I have had done do help to alleviate some of my anxiety but I really need to go and have the detrol discussion..LOL..I have always wanted to walk in and say that to him but alas, I really do need to consider medication so I have been researching some of the possibilities - not detrol - hopefully I just get OK and move on from this bullshit. 

I feel alright today, Karl is home and I am hoping that has nothing to do with it and I can just get on with getting some help but also feel ok in the meantime as well..we shall see.  I am hopeful.

I have been talking to my brother again every day since last Saturday when I found out his crack ass cunt of a *wife* shacked up in some two bit motel with some guy who works at the local discount mart doing coke and having sex.  My poor brother ended up finding out this which I wont get into how but he went and sat outside the motel until they came out in the morning.  I love him dearly and somehow he has helped me to start feeling better I think, we used to talk every day on his way home from work and she didn't like it so it faded off..and while we kept in contact it wasn't always as consistent as I would have liked.  Anyway, I have to figure out how to help him afford a house so that he can live happily without her, I am considering even just sending him 150 a month to help out with expenses, I think thats as much as I can squeeze out of my cash only budget per month..lol  I will do what I can.  Maybe Karl will just write him a check..

Well, other than that there's not much to report, I will get back to this blogging thing and once again hopefully it will help me...I will update with the MRI results as soon as I get them.

Yes, I have been ignoring you......

But I have had a lot going on.  Holidays, sickness, worry...everything...and it has all landed me in a sea of symptoms, drs appointments, tests and general craziness.

I feel like hell...I haven't known what is going on and still really dont but I found the article below today and it sums up my symptoms fairly well...how scary...I have most of them.

So, between my stressful marriage, lack of help and or family in the area, my dad's passing, stepkids, 2 year old and every other stress in my life I am snapping...I apparently just can't do it all and I have to start letting go for my own sanity and health and so that my daughter has a mother who is functional.  I need to simplify..I need to figure out how to let things go and stop worrying so much about everything.  Hopefully I can manage to do this.

Physical Symptoms Of Anxiety - Panic

Palpitations - Heart Beating Hard and/or Fast or Pounding - Heartbeat sensations that involve a regular or irregular pounding of the heart. It is a conscious, unpleasant awareness of one's own heartbeat, or a sensation of skipped or stopped beats. Palpitations can be felt in the chest, throat, or neck. Palpitations may be felt accompanying emotions such as excitement or fright. Everyone experiences palpitations at some time in life. Pounding of the heart, brought on by strenuous exercise or strong emotions, is rarely associated with serious disease.

Sweating - Perspiration - In most cases, sweating is perfectly natural, especially when exercising, or hot, or if something has happened to cause an emotional response (being angry, embarrassed, nervous, afraid, or anxious)

Trembling or Shaking - Trembling or shaking can be associated with fatigue, stress, anxiety, anger, or rage. However, a constant tremor that is not associated with altered emotional states may be a sign of disease or a abnormal condition and should be evaluated.

Shortness of Breath - Breathlessness - Difficulty Breathing - A sensation of difficult or uncomfortable breathing, or a feeling of not getting enough air. If the brain, muscles, or other body organs do not receive enough oxygen, a sense of breathlessness may occur. Sometimes emotional distress, such as anxiety, can lead to difficulty breathing.

Difficulty Swallowing - The sensation that food is stuck in the throat or upper abdomen. This may be felt high in the neck or lower down, behind the breastbone (sternum). Sometimes emotional distress, such as anxiety, can lead to difficulty swallowing.

Sharp Pains in the Chest or Chest Discomfort - Sometimes described as a heaviness, pressure, or discomfort in the chest. When faced with unexpected chest pain, it is normal for people to fear the worst because chest pain is a symptom to which many people think "heart attack." Nevertheless, chest pain can have many causes unrelated to the heart. Sometimes being caused by a panic-anxiety attack.

Abdominal Pain - Stomach Pain - Abdominal pain is a nonspecific symptom that may be associated with a multitude of conditions such as anxiety or strong emotions. Some symptoms do not occur within the abdomen itself, but cause abdominal discomfort.

Nausea and Vomiting - Nausea and vomiting are controlled by the central nervous system. Nausea is controlled by a part of the nervous system that controls involuntary bodily functions. Vomiting is a reflex controlled by a vomiting center in the brain. Vomiting can be stimulated by various triggers, such as smell, taste, anxiety, pain, motion, changes in the body caused by inflammation, poor blood flow, or irritation.

Dizziness - Lightheadedness - Faintness - Dizziness is a feeling of faintness or light-headedness, making it difficult to maintain balance while standing or sitting. A persistent light-headed feeling without other symptoms is often due to anxiety, rather than a brain tumor or other hidden disease. If it is severe, some anti-anxiety medications can help treat light-headedness and dizziness.

Hot or Cold Flashes - A short lasting feeling of "warm or cool" sensations in the upper body. Sometimes emotional distress, such as anxiety, can lead to hot or cold flashes.

Fears of Losing Control, Dying, or "Going Crazy"

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