To just talk about how I feel right now and ask for more prayers.
Sarah's dad...I don't know exactly how I feel some connection with him but I do..between the fact that Sarah is an amazing person and he has lung problems there is just something there. His struggles bring me back to how I felt when my own dad was sick and how desperate you get to make them better. Talking to doctors and nurses to see what you can do anything...just how you can make it all better...
Maybe getting some of this out will help me work through some of it, this will be totally all over the place too so please don't feel as though you have to read this. lol
There are so many emotions that you go through during these times. I remember feeling an emotional rollercoaster that had the lowest lows I have ever felt in my life, like desperation and heart wrenching loss and the honest to god feeling that your heart is literally breaking right then. I held out all hope until 08 March 2007 at about 8:30pm...the hospital was trying to get my mom and called my cell phone accidentally and they told me that his condition had worsened but wouldn't tell me any more and they called my mom and she gave the DNR order and they told her that his death was imminent..those words are in my head to this day..my dad was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing..I couldn't even drive back to my moms house from my aunts as we made the caravan back to the hospital to say goodbye. When we got there they had added another tube down his intubation tube that helped him with even more oxygen, I said everything that he knew all over again, and I told him that if I could pick anyone to be my dad it would have been him and I said goodbye and told him that it was ok that if he needed to go that I would be ok. I knew that my dad wouldn't leave us on Olivia's 6 month old birthday and he didn't, he waited until 9am the next day 09 March..a day that changed my life, I hadn't heard my dads voice in 5 days at that point and I was never to hear it again. I felt so helpless and scared like a little child. The next morning when the dr called my cell he said "Steph, I pumped adrenaline into his heart and nothing is happening, its like pressing the gas pedal all the way down and the car just not going"...
I was putting Olivia in the car to get down to the hospital when I heard what I thought I was saying but now I think I heard it from someone else..I don't know now who knows...but I heard or said "I am with you"..it was in the very next moment that I heard the phone ring inside the house and my brother came running out crying but I knew as soon as I heard the phone ring...my brother was hysterical..he took Olivia and I ran in and basically fell on my mom and said "I want my daddy back" and was crying hysterically..hysterically...like crying I have never cried before in my life...ever.
The ride to the hospital felt impossible like it couldn't have happened..unfathomable that my dad was gone. We got to the hospital and my aunt and mom went in first to see him and I went in with my aunt and cousin, it was so surreal, I was screaming that he had to wake up that I still needed him.
I adore Sarah and I know just what she is going through and I can't begin to explain how I feel for her, I think of "dad" all day every day, he is just always on my mind and I am thankful that Sarah has updated me as much as she has. I have my mom's prayer group praying for him here, her church and we are all praying for him and the family. It all brings back so many memories for me and so many emotions that I know Sarah is feeling as she goes through this.
Thats all for now, plenty huh?
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