Worst Birthday ever...

So this year was my 34th birthday and I feel old..ugh but really the worst part of it all was how it all went down.  I don't expect to be waited on hand and foot anymore but someone making an effort would be nice.  Karl got home at 8 after a stop at the rite aid in between the house and the train station to get me some cards.  Me and Olivia had a nice day with a nice lunch and all but it was the lack of people caring what my day was like that pissed me off.

Its as if I don't count anymore I guess.  It wasn't special, it wasn't what a birthday is supposed to be.  Maybe my expectations are too high but it just used to be better.  My mom forgot until I reminded her and I don't go into that whole long mess of a story and her excuses, its just not worth it.  We went to a late dinner and didn't have a cake but a brownie sundae with a candle. One of the reasons I have a birthday is in order to have a carvel ice cream cake...I love them.  Karl didn't make that effort and it just annoyed me, I would never let a birthday go without time and love put into it, even for the others.

I miss my dad, he always made it special.

Olivia the Pilgrim

Olivia was a pilgrim at school and it was just the cutest thing ever.  They danced and sang songs and then we had a feast of corn muffins, pumpkin bread, cranberry orange muffins and apple juice.

Here are some pictures

Olivia with her class and then Olivia with her friend Regan.  For some reason Olivia will not smile nicely for the camera anymore, I end up with this scrunched up face that looks like shes in pain.

As the blog sits...

Well that sucked...I had finally made the decision to get OJ vaccinated and BAM..she gets swine flu...hooray.  I couldn't believe it but we both managed to get through it unscathed for the most part.  I am happy its over though.

We added to our household by purchasing Miss. Marley Pumpkin on 31 October, hence the pumpkin.  No, she is not named for Marley the dog but better yet, one of Olivia's favorite musicians, Bob Marley.  She is as cute as can be, we are working on the biting.  Pictures below..

Thanksgiving sucked, we ended up going out to dinner because I didn't want to make it twice since we didn't have the kids.  This makes it even more apparent to me that I need to have another child.

Ok so heres the update! LOL Sorry..

Well we have had a busy couple of months..

OJ update:  She started preschool two days a week and she LOVES it, she asks me to go back all the time.  She has two little friends that she plays with and she adores her teachers.  I am the class mom so I so the collecting for trips and bake cookies for the class..its so Martha Stewart and so out of character for me, the *others* think its hysterical.  She has been growing a lot, shes 38lbs and 39 inches tall.  We have been working hard on the sleeping schedule and that has helped a lot, I have had 4 nights of uninterrupted sleep now which is a huge plus.  We are also completely PT'ed not even needing a diaper at our nap!  Hooray!!  Also, OJ is just the sweetest child, shes such a joy to me.

Steph update: I am doing good, my anxiety is still under control without medication so I am incredibly thankful for that.  My running came to a screeching halt with my treadmill going under so we are looking to get a new one soon but its fixed for now, that helped my anxiety more than anything.  So my big news I suppose is that I have decided that I am more of a two baby mama..so we are going to start trying in January YAY!!  I am hoping for a Christmas-y baby but not ON Christmas of course so I would even prefer the end of Nov.  I am really excited and super scared all at the same time.  The reality of having another baby scares me not the idea.  LOL..  I just think of how easy things have become with OJ because shes potty trained and wonder about taking another step back to go back to diapers but we will manage.  I want to give OJ a *real* sibling so shes got someone when I am gone, even if they aren't best friends they will have one another.  I can't leave her to be like I was when my dad died, I was the only one who had lost my dad.  The *others* wouldn't feel the same way so this has made my decision a little easier and shes been asking for a teeny baby with tiny baby toes so who am I to not give her that.  I think that the fact that she'll be 4ish when I have #2 will be good too, she will want to help and she'll have her own things going on so it won't be all about the baby.   My biggest concern is probably my anxiety and hoping that another pregnancy and birth won't be another trigger.  I didn't have what I would call PPD with OJ but then adding my dads death and big K being gone all the time I was just surviving and it all built up on me.

My relationship with my husband has come to this wonderful place and so I am also scared what a second baby will do to that.  What my plan is currently is that we write a contract to each other that we will not let things slip this time.  Hopefully that will be what we need to remind ourselves that we're important too.  I also have to let go and get a babysitter and let that person take care of OJ and *newbaby*.

My relationship with my mom has also come to a really nice spot, I must be letting more go and being less crazed about stupid shit, its really the only thing that I can think of because my two hardest relationships have become tremendously easier.  I also quit Judith, I told her that I would probably be back but I needed a break from it.  I have been fine for it and its saved me $175 every week.

I have picked my knitting back up given that its fall and I feel like its time to be doing that again!  I completed a cowl for myself and I have gotten about halfway through a sweater for OJ which is just turning out to be gorgeous.  I will post a picture once its finished.

So that's the update.  Its exciting to me but not really...lol.

No I didnt fall off the face of the earth..

and yes, I still plan on doing that post...there is a ton to update on too and I will get to all of it

Finally an update and next up some honest scrap!

Well, I have been MIA for a while now, things have been much better since my husband realized hes a paranoid idiot.  I am still working on fighting off this summer cold, its been craptastic for sure and I am just praying that OJ doesn't get it again.

My mom is coming tomorrow and I am really excited to see her.  I haven't seen her since February and am really happy shes coming to visit.  This is the first time in a while that I have been this excited to see her, I have finally let all anger go and I am so thankful for it, it feels really good to just be looking forward to seeing her and spending some time together.

I started running back on 26 June which was equal to me struggling through a mile on the treadmill and a month later I was easily running 3.25 miles 5 times a week.  I was so excited about this and then my cold hit and I am sure that I wont be slinking right back into that distance but hopefully it wont be horrific to get back to it.  This has reduced my anxiety to an almost non existent level, which has been the biggest benefit to it.  I haven't lost weight (other than my cold weight loss) but my body has changed a lot in 5 weeks.

My honest scrap post will come after this, the honor was awarded to me by Sarah - Thank you very much!  I am sure that my blog isn't worthy of this and I surely wouldn't consider it brilliant by any means!  LOL  But I will do my best on it.

Fuck...just fuck

I have neglected this due to all the summer festivities that we have been doing which has been lovely.  I also took up running which has helped my *GAD* stay at bay..its been really nice.

So why does shit get all fucked up?  How the fuck did I end up with a guy who insists on having the two drinks that he shouldn't have every time he goes out?  What the fuck.  Then he comes home and says stupid shit that I am just floored by such as "the alarm was on, you were testing me" UH...ok well since I texted you to tell you I had set it it can't be a fucking test.  And why the fuck would I bother?  AND for the record, HAD it been a test you fucking failed.  I am now working on 2 hours of sleep and I am just annoyed to no fucking end.  After a reasonably rational conversation this morning there was an apology and lots of I love you's but shit, I don't want to deal with this every time he goes out.  Am I to just sit back and deal with this?  Is this what other people do?  I know that his work partner also drinks a lot and whenever this happens he is out with him, does his wife not get mad or does he not come home saying stupid shit?  I am going to have to ask because this shit is unacceptable.  The problem is that someone is sensitive about his drinking and you can't fucking mention it without getting into an argument.  So is it acceptable sometimes for your husband to come home drunk?  How often?  Mind you this has happened twice in three weeks but that isn't normal, its typically once every 3 or 4 months.

Fuck this fuck me.  I want my family together but I don't want to live unhappily either.  A charmed life it is not.