This is going to be a work in progress because its just a lot of stuff to get down and I seem to get off track!
So, even though I knew there was no real relationship left between husband and me this hit me like a ton of bricks. Here are the main factors of my unhappiness:
Husband never home because of work, I have no support system of friends or family in the area, I can't seem to get over my dad's death and allow him to rest in peace, my relationship with my mom is as strained as they get, I have no childcare help at all ever, I cannot manage to keep an organized neat home with the "others" ransacking it all the time, my husband really takes no responsibility and doesn't make anyone (read: others) take any either but
I shouldn't allow this house to be this disorganized.
So, some context around the husband telling me he was leaving the other night...
We have been re-arranging the rooms all weekend so that O has her own room and K has the bigger room that his older sister headed away to college in Aug doesn't use as she prefers my velvet sofa with the 60 inch flat screen tv left on all night. This particular other is his favorite (his first) and so taking her room away was a big deal to him even though they share at the mothers home.
So, what started this entire argument was when I asked him what he wanted for dinner, me to order pizza or run to the local Italian place and pick up sammiches. You don't need all the full details here because they don't matter but that's what started this whole ordeal.
So he told me that I sit around all day and think about all the things I don't have when I have so much. How can I be miserable when I have so much? Yes, there is no question, I have a lot, more than most but what the hell does money have to do with it? EVERYTHING boils down to money with this man.
I can't seem to move past my dad's death and that's for sure, it left a huge hole in my life but I don't necessarily dwell on it, he just pops in and out of my head daily - unfortunately I have no clue as to how I should let him rest in peace. My relationship with my mom, yes it bothers me probably more than I put on but I don't think about it too much and I still call her most every day despite all of the problems. When I was working I traveled anywhere between 125 and 150k miles a year to other countries and cities, all of my friends are in Maryland, how was I supposed to make friends in Jersey again? Oh and my neighbors? Yeah, they are all like 50 so no, as nice as they are, I don't really want to "hang" with them, they aren't my kinds of peeps. But I have no support system here, I need one thats for sure, but I am "selective" with people.
The others...omg where do I begin? Here is a small (very small) cross section: The house can be perfectly straight and they arrive and an hour later you would think that the FBI had been in looking for shit. I more often than not find jeans in the bathroom and around the bedroom floors that still have the thongs that were worn with them still attached. Where the fuck did I sign up for that?? There was nothing about that in the contract. Why do I spend hours doing laundry for it all to sit around on my dining room table and have it rifled through when they need something? Dishes everywhere, coke cans everywhere ( I have stopped purchasing soda now), the dishwasher never gets a first thought, it all goes in the sink if it makes it that far. I should get one of those gottdammned signs that says your mother doesn't work here so clean the fuck up after yourself. When I see them laying on the couch doing nothing it drives me insane.
I will come back to update more. I have to get ready to get some stuff done today.
Thank you to all my friends that care! I appreciate it you guys rock.
