From my perspective

Interesting Info on fast food

2010-07-14T10:28:00.000-04:00

So I am not a fan at all of fast food, thank goodness that wouldn't help my weight issues at all..LOL. Luckily I also don't allow OJ to eat it for the most part, she had her first happy meal at the age of 3 and has had I believe two since..

Come to find out this little piece of info... While McDonald's advertises that they use "100% pure beef" that does not mean the patty is 100% beef (just like fruit flavoured beverages will advertise that they use 100% pure fruit juice, it is only a portion of the ingredients, and it is mainly sugar and water), nor that the quality of the beef is high. In fact McDonald's pretty well owns the beef industry, as they order so much of it that they dictate the farming practices to produce quantity over quality. (this information was from http://www.altmd.com/Specialists/Spring-nutrition-lifestyle-reNUal/Blog/The-Four-Year-Old-McDonalds-Burger-Fries)

Gross..now I found this information while looking into the 4 year old McDonalds food pictures..how gross, the shit doesn't age. Nasty, how many preservatives must they use in order to get them to not produce any mold?? UGH..so there goes that, not that its a huge problem for us to not eat this stuff, we won't be eating it again..NASTY.

Happy Birthday Dad

2010-05-30T22:26:00.000-04:00

You would be 72 today, I miss you tons and wish you could see all the amazing things that OJ is doing...shes grown so much since you last held her.

Things are going...slowly.

2010-05-28T07:35:00.000-04:00

But I know that every day that I exercise and take care of myself that I am doing something good. I haven't lost any more weight and no more inches lost but I believe I am building lots of muscle.

I have added spin classes to my regimen which definitely do kick your ass (like for real) I have never before felt as though I had humped a piece of aluminum. I have gotten used to it now and no longer have the pain that I felt for days after that first class. I was interested though to find out what kind of calorie burn I do in a day so I have purchased a polar heart rate monitor. I am going to wear it for 24 hours to see what I burn in a normal day and then I can back down on calories from there. I wore it to spin class yesterday and even though the teacher told me I would burn about 600 calories in the class initially, I only burned 389 total for the 45 minutes. Its pretty cool though, the HRM tells me where to keep my heart rate for burning fat and it keeps weekly goals for the 3 training zones.

Other than that I am just enjoying time with my little one and laughing at all the awesome things she says.

Updates on "Tings"

2010-05-11T15:56:00.000-04:00

So updates on everything here..its long but broken up to keep it straight.

I have officially lost 5 inches off of my waist, 1.5 inches of my hips (thank god - lets keep this number going up) and then 1/2 inch off of my thighs yet I have only lost 3.8 lbs. I am really excited about this although I still have a ways to go, I can't figure out how to work on my hips but I assume the weight will come off with the exercise and diet..

I have yet to do P57 this week because my allergies are so incredibly bad I couldn't bear the thought. I went to the gym today feeling better and so this afternoon I am *hoping* to do it. I am doing pretty good with the diet although I have my times that I don't do so great. What I have been trying to do is eat basically the same meal every day for lunch so I eat a grilled chicken breast on one of these yummy 7 grain deli flat things from pepperidge farm with honey mustard and red onion. I really like it so that works for me and I am a creature of habit so really, if I like it, I can stick to it for a long time and I don't get bored.

I told Karl the other day that if I didn't have this all over layer of fat going on I would be hot. LOL.

I have finally called in an interior designer, AJ from this amazing place..what gorgeous rooms.
http://www.deborahleamanninterior.com/portfolio.html

They seem to do the rooms in the style that I really like and I am pretty sure I would have them recreate any of that into my home if I had the room that those people do. I just cannot seem to finish this house off, I can't pick a color to bring the whole place together. Hopefully AJ can do that and I have every confidence that she can. After the whole curtain issue I have decided that I really just need some gentle guidance.

We have Alex's friends coming over to hang out this weekend before she heads off to her big Italy trip and the maids canceled today...fuck me. So, I had to call one of those franchise places and they charge 155 an hour and could be here anywhere from 1.5 to 2.5 hours cleaning the place. I guess i don't care but I think thats a bit much given that I pay my regular cleaning people $90 a week to come and clean. But they can come tomorrow which is what I need.

Also, I am pretty excited because I am a gadget geek but I purchased a 3D television last night..I didn't get the 3D blu ray player yet because the guy informed me that the new ones will come out in the fall and the movies won't really start coming out in 3D until the end of the summer anyway. Lets just hope that netflix carries them!!

Well, that is the update, everything else in my life is amazing, especially my OJ. She rocks.

A word of warning during this allergy season...

2010-05-08T09:51:00.000-04:00

DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT hold back sneezes..lol

I know this sounds ridiculous but yesterday I held back some sneeze while I was driving and immediately my throat burned and I had horrible neck pain. After a while the pain subsided so I didn't worry about it until I woke up this morning at 5am with my throat burning and it hurt to swallow...take a look and everything in there is blood red and swollen so I coated up with chloraseptic and went back to bed. Woke up at 7 with it again. This is so stupid so I figured you all might laugh about it... :o)

Apparently sneezes can come at speeds up to 100mph and holding them back *CAN* cause severe damage.

P57 Arm and Ab Booster DVD

2010-05-05T23:09:00.000-04:00

Uh, yeah, if I got through half of this I am lucky..these women can literally balance their entire body weight on their tailbone in some sort of convoluted V position..what the fuck? I'm just speaking out of jealousy. I wish I could do that.

These women are so long and lean, honestly sometimes I can't follow them because my body and theirs look nothing alike, they have such amazing core strength, they can hold their legs up in the air straight for what seems like a half hour.

I wish so badly I could share these with all of you just so you would understand all of this..but I started looking around youtube and found these which will give you some idea of what its about...no lie this is the shit they have you do..for 57 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMYCX9FdEe4&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDWUxFKWdE8&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExJcsRv7G78&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq74Ubq4dvc&feature=channel

Restoration Hardware Shore Scent

2010-05-02T16:55:00.000-04:00

I am leaving Big K for it...

I got the soap and the surface cleaner and I am in love. I have cleaned everything that I thought might need a touch up and the cleaning peeps come tomorrow. Go get some.

Baby Emma Update and P57 really just kicks your ass...

2010-05-02T12:46:00.000-04:00

Most importantly..Baby Emma update..there is widespread discussion going on about this and Big K is talking about it to other people which makes me believe we are getting close to a GO on starting again. Hopefully this is the case and I am not setting myself up for disappointment.

And then, P57.....
I decided I had to do this again today and man..this thing is just ass kicking. I got through the entire warm up, thigh and seat section. The abs section was very hard for me, I have no core strength. This is where I need all the willpower I can muster up. I just can't get through it, I know I need to get a real exercise mat and cushion to help with my knees hurting but I have noticed that my back feels like muscles are straining when I do some of the ab part, perhaps this will just come with time and my back muscles need stretching (which is the case I am sure).

Anyway, I do have to MAKE myself do these, not because they aren't working but because they are hard but without something hard you get nowhere, its much easier for me to sit my ass on a couch. but I swear they are going faster and faster. Today I looked at the clock at 17, 28 then not again until 47. This workout is so hard that you are actually not really listening to the instructor or checking the time because you are so focused on what the hell you are doing. At this moment I can tell you I completed the DVD at 10:30am and I sit here feeling my sore muscles. My muscles felt like they were vibrating through my shower, its the strangest thing, I can go to the gym and lift weight and I never have this.

So, I have to do this 2 more times this week to make 4. Tomorrow I will go to the gym for just about an hour so then maybe while OJ is asleep I will do this again to get it out of the way. Who knows, maybe I can do it 5x? One thing I really need to try and focus on is stretching...my body needs to be stretched every day. I am not flexible at all right now, when they do the straddle I can't make it halfway down to the floor

My wishful thinking "after" picture

2010-04-30T11:13:00.000-04:00

Seriously, who WOULDN'T want to look like this?? What an amazing body, this is absolutely what I want to look like. Strong, lean and beautiful. When I saw this picture in the catalog I quickly ripped it out and put it on the door out to the garage so I can see it every day to remind me. I also wrote in sharpie marker "after".

I am considering hiring a personal trainer once I get a few more pounds off and taking this picture in and saying "make me look like this". I am really not looking to be the skinny minny that I used to be, I just want to be strong and toned. I am not even really looking at the weight on the scale that much anymore even though I do weekly weigh ins. The measurements are what are telling me whats going on. I joined the gym on April Fools Day and I started going on the 6th, Olivia's first day back at school so technically I am now 3.5 weeks into my endeavor. I feel like I have done really well so far and even if I am not seeing a ton of results I am feeling them. I am less stressed when dealing with Big K and OJ, things don't bother me nearly as much and I just feel better. My "GAD" is at bay big time and I haven't been taking my acid reflux medicine regularly. This is all good. I am happy I have made this choice for myself and I hope that I can stick to it.

P57 Day 4 update

2010-04-30T11:01:00.000-04:00

Well, as the update continues, I managed to squeak out a P57 workout this morning...still hard still had to stop a few times. Now, good ol' Tanya tells me not to worry about it, its purposely hard so that I don't plateau...ok well yeah, I am just hoping that sometime in the next 6 months I can get through the dvd with no stopping. I actually do think it will take me that long, this shit is no joke but its working so I am not complaining and I am going to just continue pressing on doing absolutely as much as I can.

One thing I have noticed is that the time is going quicker..before I know it were starting the last set and I know im in the home stretch. What I also notice is that I am in so much pain and trying to breathe through these sets that I look at the clock in 10's so typically 10 minutes has gone by before I look again. I have also noticed that my 5lb weights are too light for the bicep portion of the workout but maybe too hard for the tricep portion. I am not getting a real *burn* from the 5lb weights, when I am at the gym I do bicep curls with 12.5lbs so for this I probably need to get a set of 8lb weights.

So, I am somewhat dissapointed but I didn't meet my challenge for the week and I only did it 3 times, Thurs/Fri/Mon. So, I will start again and try this week to complete it 4 times. Today is one so only 3 more times to go...ugh. :o)

BMR/BMI what the fuck?

2010-04-29T17:18:00.000-04:00

So, given my new found fitness I am looking into the physics of all this exercising and diet crap and really attempting to understand how my body is working and how I can get this weight off. I am sure no one cares about all of this but in an effort for me to keep track of all my information I am keeping it logged here.

I was looking today to see if I am working out efficiently and start looking into BMR (basal metabolic rate) and BMI (body mass index)

So, my BMR is between 1495 and 1545 calories per day which means that if I laid in bed all day my body would burn this many calories. So, to maintain my weight I have to multiply my BMR by 1.55. So lets say I take 1495 calories as the amount my body burns then my daily caloric intake to maintain my weight is 2317 which seems like a TON. So in order to lose a pound of fat you need to create a 500 calorie deficit every day. So given that as per the machine at the gym I burn about 600 calories in an hour of doing the elliptical at what I would consider a moderate intensity. Basically I would be kicking ass if I could do an hour on the elliptical every day and also creating a 500 calorie deficit in my food..unfortunately I don't think that will happen.

If you are at all interested in all of this you can calculate your BMR here:
http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

So, by calculators online it shows that in order to lose the weight I want to lose I should take in 1,577 calories per day to lose my weight by 11 Nov 2010 which to me is way too long. My actual goal to lose (eventually) is about 28 lbs which puts me back into my size 4 jeans (hopefully!!) LOL. So, since I am doing weight watchers I need to also keep track of my caloric intake to see where I am. I know WW works but I want to see how it compares with calorie tracking.

On the food front, I am doing OK, I am trying my hardest to stick to the WW points every day but I swear, I find myself eating when I am NOT hungry and I'm not sure how to get around that. Perhaps I should move my laptop out of the kitchen? I think there is some emotional issue here that I cannot seem to get past. I am eating every bit of the 23 points I get per day plus some of my 35 weekly points allowance. If anyone has any suggestions on getting past this please let me know! Someone told me that Dr. Phil's book addresses boredom snacking and emotional eating..I am not a fan of DP so I would prefer not to purchase his book....

P57 = Physique 57 = PAIN but pain is good right?

2010-04-28T08:35:00.000-04:00

So, the breakdown of P57, this is a studio in NYC that I had read about a while ago but I had no interest in going into the city to take an exercise class...well they have dvd's now so I got them to try this miraculous workout. A dvd that kicks your ass? I had a hard time believing it. An important note for any of you that may not like aerobics, you do not jump around in these, they are controlled movements that build bone density and muscle.

The first time I did it I was in P.A.I.N...hoping that it would soon be over and she said and there's your warm up...OMG I was dying. Now, right now I am all for a challenge so I am challenging myself to DO this and complete the entire workout. Currently I have to stop and start through the standing "seat" section because for some reason my body won't hold all my body weight on ONE leg while in a controlled fashion extend my other leg and "pulse" up and down and the ab section I CANNOT for the life of me hold my legs straight up in the air for this length of time - I have lost all of my flexibility. The challenge of actually completing this is enough for me to do it even though I hurt for the day I do it (thanks thigh section). My thighs SHAKE in revolt during the thigh section..no lie, they actually say that if your thighs aren't shaking you aren't going low enough...wow..something to look forward to.

You need an exercise mat, hand weights and the playground ball as props. You need a sturdy chair because this workout uses the ballet barre for stability while doing these crazy ass moves.

This is the workout that Kelly Ripa completely transformed her body with at the age of 37, I figure I have 3 years on her so I should do really well...HA!

For a SUPER funny blog post about going to a P57 class read this:
http://www.motherhoodinnyc.com/i-took-a-physique-57-class-and-lived-to-blog-about-it

All in all, I am loving the results, a half inch in ONE workout? I literally measured myself the morning before I did it and then the next morning around the same time and a half inch was gone? I have no idea if this did it but now I am all about getting my shit in shape so I can look better and I will put up with 57 minutes of torture to do that.

You can do a trial of the whole package for 7.95 or something, where they send you all 3 dvd's and the playground ball then after 30 days if you don't return it its another 45 dollars, which I don't think is bad given all that you get. You can get them here: http://www.physique57.com/free-30-day-trial

Good Luck if you do it, its worth it. I mean just check out my "after" picture.

Can inches really melt off?

2010-04-27T07:44:00.000-04:00

Is this possible? I mean, this is what they promise if you stick to it but I have only done it 3 times in addition to my other workouts. I am skeptical of these things, I can't imagine this is correct. But I am seeing it in person, this morning my stomach looked smaller so I got out the trusty measuring tape...since yesterday morning before I did my P57 dvd I have lost a half an inch?? That seems like a lot in a day?

I never imagined this, so in 3 weeks I have now lost 4.5 inches off my waist. Every time I do P57 I have been sore immediately after doing it AND the day after. I feel like this can't be possible but shit, 4.5 inches? My body must be busy moving weight around because I haven't lost a lot of weight but for sure I look different, my entire midsection is shrinking and I have a waistline that is easily visible. This rocks.

To be perfectly honest I am about 18lbs over my pre pregnancy weight but this isn't baby weight, this is grief weight. I had lost all of my baby weight within 2 weeks of having OJ - I mean, I didnt look good but I didnt have this weight on, this all came on after my dad died.

Anyway, I feel so much better and I am so much more in control of how I feel, I just will continue to pray that I stick to this, I don't want to have to "find" clothes that look ok on me, I want to pick up what I want and not worry if I have a bulge here or there..

I will continue to keep posting my results here so that I can keep track.

Shaking some dust off...the blog and myself.

2010-04-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

Oh there are so many things to report, the pleasantries that my mom and I exchanged during my 2 week trip to Florida...my brothers wife...but alas, I have decided that I need to make room and clear out some of that shit.

I have been busy turning over a new leaf in my life. I have started weight watchers to get off some of this "grief weight"...i lost all my baby weight so its strictly the shit that added on to me after my dad died that no one bothered to inform me of....yeah Steph, keep shoving those yummy little cinnamon donuts in your mouth and thats whats going to happen! I haven't been what I would call depressed but I was teetering on it, I was uninterested in things, I had no energy and I was always fucking upset trying to find clothes that didn't look like shit on me so basically I finally had enough of it and started figuring

So here I am 3 weeks into my new lifestyle..hoping to all Gods out there that it sticks. I feel so much better, I am starting to look better and I am so sad I didn't take before pictures. In three weeks I have lost 3.5 inches off my waist, an inch off my thighs and an inch off of my hips. So, in addition to (for the most part) sticking to WW, I have been going to the gym every day during the week, on Mondays and Fridays OJ goes to the daycare and the other days I go while shes in school and so that translates to this schedule:

Monday and Friday an hour of cardio in which i can typically burn 600 calories
Tuesdays and Thursdays an hour and 20 of cardio followed by 25 minutes of weight training

Wednesday an hour of cardio and 25 min of weight training

Now I have added a new dvd from Physique 57 which basically kicks my ass in a serious way. I read about these classes that are offered in NYC that lengthen and tone your body in amazing ways, such as the inches just "melt off" of people. Well, apparently kelly ripa has made them very famous because she looks amazing and so they created a set of dvd's. OMG I can't even get through all the reps and exercises they do but I have done it two days and today I decided was my rest day, I will go to the gym tomorrow and hopefully do P57 while OJ naps on days I have been to the gym, I will just cut down on weight training. So, I cannot explain these dvd's but shit, they hurt in a SERIOUS way. It is basically like hell while you are doing it, even the bitches on the dvd are forcing smiles while they grit their teeth, there is one girl at one point who is making this awful face while the instructor is contorting her around. It hurts and things hurt on me that have never hurt before...anyway, I am going to challenge myself to do it 4x a week. I really want to look more like I used to. I have been stagnant for too long. Anyway..I will keep updating on progress so that I can keep track of it here.

I have also started looking at taking better care of my skin since I am feeling oldish and want to look better..so I have invested in a ton of skincare products including the clarisonic. I think there is a tremendous difference in my skin thus far but theres still a long way to go, I had neglected it fairly badly..

Anyway, other than that I just sit back and watch OJ get bigger by the minute and hope that another little one makes her way to me. <3

Worst Birthday ever...

2009-12-29T14:47:00.000-05:00

So this year was my 34th birthday and I feel old..ugh but really the worst part of it all was how it all went down. I don't expect to be waited on hand and foot anymore but someone making an effort would be nice. Karl got home at 8 after a stop at the rite aid in between the house and the train station to get me some cards. Me and Olivia had a nice day with a nice lunch and all but it was the lack of people caring what my day was like that pissed me off.

Its as if I don't count anymore I guess. It wasn't special, it wasn't what a birthday is supposed to be. Maybe my expectations are too high but it just used to be better. My mom forgot until I reminded her and I don't go into that whole long mess of a story and her excuses, its just not worth it. We went to a late dinner and didn't have a cake but a brownie sundae with a candle. One of the reasons I have a birthday is in order to have a carvel ice cream cake...I love them. Karl didn't make that effort and it just annoyed me, I would never let a birthday go without time and love put into it, even for the others.

I miss my dad, he always made it special.

Olivia the Pilgrim

2009-11-29T10:03:00.000-05:00

Olivia was a pilgrim at school and it was just the cutest thing ever. They danced and sang songs and then we had a feast of corn muffins, pumpkin bread, cranberry orange muffins and apple juice.

Here are some pictures

Olivia with her class and then Olivia with her friend Regan. For some reason Olivia will not smile nicely for the camera anymore, I end up with this scrunched up face that looks like shes in pain.

As the blog sits...

2009-11-29T09:20:00.010-05:00

Well that sucked...I had finally made the decision to get OJ vaccinated and BAM..she gets swine flu...hooray. I couldn't believe it but we both managed to get through it unscathed for the most part. I am happy its over though.

We added to our household by purchasing Miss. Marley Pumpkin on 31 October, hence the pumpkin. No, she is not named for Marley the dog but better yet, one of Olivia's favorite musicians, Bob Marley. She is as cute as can be, we are working on the biting. Pictures below..

Thanksgiving sucked, we ended up going out to dinner because I didn't want to make it twice since we didn't have the kids. This makes it even more apparent to me that I need to have another child.

Ok so heres the update! LOL Sorry..

2009-10-10T10:58:00.000-04:00

Well we have had a busy couple of months..

OJ update: She started preschool two days a week and she LOVES it, she asks me to go back all the time. She has two little friends that she plays with and she adores her teachers. I am the class mom so I so the collecting for trips and bake cookies for the class..its so Martha Stewart and so out of character for me, the *others* think its hysterical. She has been growing a lot, shes 38lbs and 39 inches tall. We have been working hard on the sleeping schedule and that has helped a lot, I have had 4 nights of uninterrupted sleep now which is a huge plus. We are also completely PT'ed not even needing a diaper at our nap! Hooray!! Also, OJ is just the sweetest child, shes such a joy to me.

Steph update: I am doing good, my anxiety is still under control without medication so I am incredibly thankful for that. My running came to a screeching halt with my treadmill going under so we are looking to get a new one soon but its fixed for now, that helped my anxiety more than anything. So my big news I suppose is that I have decided that I am more of a two baby mama..so we are going to start trying in January YAY!! I am hoping for a Christmas-y baby but not ON Christmas of course so I would even prefer the end of Nov. I am really excited and super scared all at the same time. The reality of having another baby scares me not the idea. LOL.. I just think of how easy things have become with OJ because shes potty trained and wonder about taking another step back to go back to diapers but we will manage. I want to give OJ a *real* sibling so shes got someone when I am gone, even if they aren't best friends they will have one another. I can't leave her to be like I was when my dad died, I was the only one who had lost my dad. The *others* wouldn't feel the same way so this has made my decision a little easier and shes been asking for a teeny baby with tiny baby toes so who am I to not give her that. I think that the fact that she'll be 4ish when I have #2 will be good too, she will want to help and she'll have her own things going on so it won't be all about the baby. My biggest concern is probably my anxiety and hoping that another pregnancy and birth won't be another trigger. I didn't have what I would call PPD with OJ but then adding my dads death and big K being gone all the time I was just surviving and it all built up on me.

My relationship with my husband has come to this wonderful place and so I am also scared what a second baby will do to that. What my plan is currently is that we write a contract to each other that we will not let things slip this time. Hopefully that will be what we need to remind ourselves that we're important too. I also have to let go and get a babysitter and let that person take care of OJ and *newbaby*.

My relationship with my mom has also come to a really nice spot, I must be letting more go and being less crazed about stupid shit, its really the only thing that I can think of because my two hardest relationships have become tremendously easier. I also quit Judith, I told her that I would probably be back but I needed a break from it. I have been fine for it and its saved me $175 every week.

I have picked my knitting back up given that its fall and I feel like its time to be doing that again! I completed a cowl for myself and I have gotten about halfway through a sweater for OJ which is just turning out to be gorgeous. I will post a picture once its finished.

So that's the update. Its exciting to me but not really...lol.

No I didnt fall off the face of the earth..

2009-09-22T19:11:00.002-04:00

and yes, I still plan on doing that post...there is a ton to update on too and I will get to all of it

Finally an update and next up some honest scrap!

2009-08-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been MIA for a while now, things have been much better since my husband realized hes a paranoid idiot. I am still working on fighting off this summer cold, its been craptastic for sure and I am just praying that OJ doesn't get it again.

My mom is coming tomorrow and I am really excited to see her. I haven't seen her since February and am really happy shes coming to visit. This is the first time in a while that I have been this excited to see her, I have finally let all anger go and I am so thankful for it, it feels really good to just be looking forward to seeing her and spending some time together.

I started running back on 26 June which was equal to me struggling through a mile on the treadmill and a month later I was easily running 3.25 miles 5 times a week. I was so excited about this and then my cold hit and I am sure that I wont be slinking right back into that distance but hopefully it wont be horrific to get back to it. This has reduced my anxiety to an almost non existent level, which has been the biggest benefit to it. I haven't lost weight (other than my cold weight loss) but my body has changed a lot in 5 weeks.

My honest scrap post will come after this, the honor was awarded to me by Sarah - Thank you very much! I am sure that my blog isn't worthy of this and I surely wouldn't consider it brilliant by any means! LOL But I will do my best on it.

Fuck...just fuck

2009-07-15T10:16:00.000-04:00

I have neglected this due to all the summer festivities that we have been doing which has been lovely. I also took up running which has helped my *GAD* stay at bay..its been really nice.

So why does shit get all fucked up? How the fuck did I end up with a guy who insists on having the two drinks that he shouldn't have every time he goes out? What the fuck. Then he comes home and says stupid shit that I am just floored by such as "the alarm was on, you were testing me" UH...ok well since I texted you to tell you I had set it it can't be a fucking test. And why the fuck would I bother? AND for the record, HAD it been a test you fucking failed. I am now working on 2 hours of sleep and I am just annoyed to no fucking end. After a reasonably rational conversation this morning there was an apology and lots of I love you's but shit, I don't want to deal with this every time he goes out. Am I to just sit back and deal with this? Is this what other people do? I know that his work partner also drinks a lot and whenever this happens he is out with him, does his wife not get mad or does he not come home saying stupid shit? I am going to have to ask because this shit is unacceptable. The problem is that someone is sensitive about his drinking and you can't fucking mention it without getting into an argument. So is it acceptable sometimes for your husband to come home drunk? How often? Mind you this has happened twice in three weeks but that isn't normal, its typically once every 3 or 4 months.

Fuck this fuck me. I want my family together but I don't want to live unhappily either. A charmed life it is not.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2009-05-30T12:42:00.000-04:00

Today is my dad's 71st birthday and I miss him more and more with every passing one..

We will celebrate his life with coronas today

I am 100% sure that if we get the go on a puppy that this is Marley..

2009-05-21T19:11:00.000-04:00

So, we are discussing the puppy thing again and well this little guy is ready to go to his forever home. Olivia has informed me that she wants to name her dog Marley and no, its not for the movie, this is because my daughter LOVES Bob Marley...and asks for him as "Marley" and so that has morphed into her naming her dog Marley which I am totally cool with, at least its not daisy or mickey...

Blended Families...

2009-05-15T13:54:00.000-04:00

Well they suck..I think VERY rarely do they work as hoped. There are so many different feelings out there about it all and it all comes down to my husband being super grumpy..nasty..contrite and many other words I don't have enough time for...

He looks at all of us as *a family* and I see it as two seperate families which is a problem because I prefer to have *MY WEEKENDS* and he thinks that ANY weekend should be open to whomever may want to be here. Its annoying to say the least and he doesn't get it. If these said children were more prone to picking up after themselves, being helpful or anything it may not be as much of an issue but we fucking live our lives around it and I cannot have any organization around here never knowing who will be here or not. Its hateful and it annoys me. It probably shouldn't because I knew he had them before we were a team but shit, I deserve a little time alone without them trashing up the house. I swear to god I folded the same gottdammed blanket 5 times in the span of 2 days last week because people would go lay on the couch and use it and just throw it wherever when they were done. It annoys the piss out of me. I am a very organized and neat person and they just werent taught the same.

My husband needs to get over this shit and move the fuck on from this guilt he has and teach these kids something. He is at their beckon call and I should be too apparently. I just want an organized home with happy people in it. Fuckers...

The Victory Garden Is Born!

2009-05-11T11:27:00.000-04:00

So we have been planning and waiting for the right timing to plant our organic victory garden and it finally happened, after weeks of rain we got the plants in the garden this morning! I have decided that I am calling it a victory garden because we are at war and it just sounds so much better! The technical definition is a garden planted during wartime and food shortages...I just went with it.

Olivia was mildly interested - much more so in the tools but she did put a few plants in and move the dirt around. I hope she will enjoy picking the fruits and vegetables. We supplemented our virgin soil with organic soil and over the years it should get better over there. We also have a ton of worms so thats great too, they help out with all that. Over the winter I might order some and put them out there to do some work for next spring..

We have herbs, broccoli, lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes (3 kinds), and sweet red peppers - I figure if this goes well we will make it larger next year.

Here are a *few* pictures..

Officially an alkie?

2009-04-26T19:59:00.001-04:00

LOL..ok so I actually took a drink with me to the special olympics track and field competition today..the ex wife would be there and it was hot. I took a lovely tropical drink with rum in it. It was nice...does this officially push me over the edge?

Oh and I disguised it in my thermal starbucks coffee cup..it was delish.

Some days are harder than others...this is supposed to be GOOD Friday...

2009-04-10T19:32:00.000-04:00

8 days all others present at the house...the 8th day I am so over it...I am so done...I have been patient, caring and supportive all week...while my husband locked himself in a room and did peoples taxes. I took care of ALL the kids and I am fucking done right now.

I want them out and I want them all out now. I have a bunch more fucking hours right now and it just pisses me off. The other others are coming in.

Something I don't want to forget

2009-03-27T08:03:00.000-04:00

OJ does the cutest new thing where she snuggles into bed and pulls the covers up over her and says "go seep" to everyone.

More Miscellaneous Ramblings...

2009-03-27T07:59:00.001-04:00

Well, it is 7:39am and I am up, showered, and dressed, that is making me feel relatively accomplished already..I assumed it was more along the lines of 8:30 when I walked downstairs after my shower. My house is still a disaster after the wood floors, I am still sleeping on my mattress on the floor of my bedroom with just a lamp, no clock, no nothing. My bathroom still has everything that we couldn't fit into Taylor's room in it. On a really happy note, my new bedroom furniture arrives on Tuesday and my mom arrives Tuesday night.

I went over to my neighbors house the other day to give her the $20 I owe her for her daughters fundraiser and she invited me in and we chatted for a while. What I noticed is that this woman has 5 kids ranging from 20 to 8 and her house was IMMACULATE...there was not a toy in sight nothing. I was like wow do I feel incredibly inadequate. My house always seems to be in disaster mode, I am thinking that the sunroom needs to become the playroom so that I can at least consolidate toys into just one room downstairs.

Do you ever feel like your too young to have a house and all the responsibilities that go with it? I was talking to Taylor about it the other day, I shouldn't have to think about getting hardwood floors redone and things of that nature...lol. I love that we have this nice home but sometimes the things I have to do hit me in a weird way and its just strange...I am sure that sounded like a crazy rambling but hopefully someone gets it.

I need to decorate this house..many of the rooms are left undecorated and its starting to annoy me now that I am more focused on it. I don't have a ton to budget for decorating but I suppose I will take it one day at a time and go from there. I feel like this house is always in construction mode and maybe thats whats holding me back? Maybe you guys can help me out, I will post a picture of a location that needs something and you can give me ideas.

Preschools..wow what an eye opener that has been. I picked a place that I KNEW that I would love, had my heart set on her going there and we went and visited (checkbook in hand) and bam..I hated it. I was so let down and deflated. I knew in my heart that as much as I wanted OJ to go to school in Princeton that I couldn't send her there. It was depressing to say the least. I have found another preschool in the area (not Princeton) that looks a lot more along the lines of what I am looking for, cheery colors on the walls, children's artwork..etc. We shall see..I am still bummed about Princeton.

Well, I have rambled enough..thanks if you made it this far. lol

New Floors..not really just rehabbing the old ones!

2009-03-23T19:01:00.000-04:00

So I was excited to find a company that used water based products to refinish wood floors and they are certified green. Well they came today and man what a pain in the ass, we had to have all furniture out of the rooms that they were doing and well almost our entire home needs it done but we are doing it piece by piece to make it more manageable. Well we split the upstairs into halves and did our master and the hallway and kyles room so OJ couldn't go up for a nap, nothing it was nuts. Anyway now after looking at just how much nicer they look I am happy we are going through the temporary pain to get it done.

Here is my newly painted master..love this color we put on the walls too...

Here is a split of where they stopped the new and left the old..yellowed polyurethane floors...ick.

And here is what I worked on while OJ was watching her dvd's because well...the 60 inch tv died today as well...yay..that means I get a smaller flat screen

Worst smell in the world so far...

2009-03-23T11:46:00.002-04:00

My self cleaning oven cleaning itself and our hardwood floors being sanded at the same time...omg what hell. LOL

Wow, what a week...

2009-03-16T21:59:00.000-04:00

God did that suck ass...I mean really...shit.

A health update for me, minus a few "episodes" last week I am feeling good, I haven't had any more bouts of just laying on the sofa. I think 2.5 weeks in Florida definitely helped and anytime I start feeling my "gad" coming on I just either close my eyes for a few minutes or just push through it. Nothing like before thankfully..seriously thankfully...

I have some more additions to the Florida culture series to add, I just have to get the pictures off my phone and on here.

I will update more later when i have more interesting information! LOL

Another sad day...

2009-03-10T19:57:00.001-04:00

The world has lost another great man...Please pray for my friend Sarah and her family at this time and also please pray for her dad's soul. Robert, we wish you the best journey and peace.

To my dad...

2009-03-09T09:39:00.002-04:00

It feels like forever since that day that you said I love you too but its only been 2 years and 5 days. It is hard for me to remember your voice, I really wish I had saved a voice mail so I could reference it. I am headed to church to light some candles and Karl will be lighting some candles at St. Patricks for you, I know you loved it there obviously they will be by St. Anthony.

I am heartbroken that you don't get to hear and see all of the things that Olivia is doing, shes really quite funny and entertaining and you would be absolutely smitten with her. I am heartbroken that she won't remember you holding her and loving her. I am heartbroken that you will never hear her say grandpa. I am heartbroken that I will never be able to give you a hug again.

I can't believe its here again, you left me 2 years ago dad and my life has never caught up with that change. Every day I think of you and wish you were here. You were my best friend and that position has yet to be filled in my life. There were so many times that I wished so hard that I honestly thought if i could change things you would come back...it was apparently such strong hope and desire that I was in this horrible circle of hope and let down.

You were a funny man and way under appreciated. You were someone that I could laugh with and drink with and generally have a good time with. Its just like I told you 2 years ago last night, if I had the chance to pick any dad in the world I would pick you over again, you are my dad and there's no one else who could have fit in your shoes (well, I eventually did but you had little feet).

Well a mess of tears later I just miss you terribly, its so hard.

Unimpressed with my husband right now....

2009-03-06T20:39:00.002-05:00

I am just completely unimpressed with him at this very point in time..he is a jackass and it annoys me to no end.

I interrupt the culture of Florida series segment

2009-02-27T22:34:00.000-05:00

To just talk about how I feel right now and ask for more prayers.

Sarah's dad...I don't know exactly how I feel some connection with him but I do..between the fact that Sarah is an amazing person and he has lung problems there is just something there. His struggles bring me back to how I felt when my own dad was sick and how desperate you get to make them better. Talking to doctors and nurses to see what you can do anything...just how you can make it all better...

Maybe getting some of this out will help me work through some of it, this will be totally all over the place too so please don't feel as though you have to read this. lol

There are so many emotions that you go through during these times. I remember feeling an emotional rollercoaster that had the lowest lows I have ever felt in my life, like desperation and heart wrenching loss and the honest to god feeling that your heart is literally breaking right then. I held out all hope until 08 March 2007 at about 8:30pm...the hospital was trying to get my mom and called my cell phone accidentally and they told me that his condition had worsened but wouldn't tell me any more and they called my mom and she gave the DNR order and they told her that his death was imminent..those words are in my head to this day..my dad was leaving me and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing..I couldn't even drive back to my moms house from my aunts as we made the caravan back to the hospital to say goodbye. When we got there they had added another tube down his intubation tube that helped him with even more oxygen, I said everything that he knew all over again, and I told him that if I could pick anyone to be my dad it would have been him and I said goodbye and told him that it was ok that if he needed to go that I would be ok. I knew that my dad wouldn't leave us on Olivia's 6 month old birthday and he didn't, he waited until 9am the next day 09 March..a day that changed my life, I hadn't heard my dads voice in 5 days at that point and I was never to hear it again. I felt so helpless and scared like a little child. The next morning when the dr called my cell he said "Steph, I pumped adrenaline into his heart and nothing is happening, its like pressing the gas pedal all the way down and the car just not going"...

I was putting Olivia in the car to get down to the hospital when I heard what I thought I was saying but now I think I heard it from someone else..I don't know now who knows...but I heard or said "I am with you"..it was in the very next moment that I heard the phone ring inside the house and my brother came running out crying but I knew as soon as I heard the phone ring...my brother was hysterical..he took Olivia and I ran in and basically fell on my mom and said "I want my daddy back" and was crying hysterically..hysterically...like crying I have never cried before in my life...ever.

The ride to the hospital felt impossible like it couldn't have happened..unfathomable that my dad was gone. We got to the hospital and my aunt and mom went in first to see him and I went in with my aunt and cousin, it was so surreal, I was screaming that he had to wake up that I still needed him.

I adore Sarah and I know just what she is going through and I can't begin to explain how I feel for her, I think of "dad" all day every day, he is just always on my mind and I am thankful that Sarah has updated me as much as she has. I have my mom's prayer group praying for him here, her church and we are all praying for him and the family. It all brings back so many memories for me and so many emotions that I know Sarah is feeling as she goes through this.

Thats all for now, plenty huh?

The Golden Corral...oh my

2009-02-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I SO wish I wasn't so obvious that people were looking at me attempting to take pictures of them for my blog but I just couldn't get my camera to work well in the confined space that is the golden corral. I was honestly shocked and horrified that my mother would suggest going to this place for dinner but alas she did and as much as I stalled, it wasn't going to keep me out.

We got there and this is what greeted me - what a welcoming place:

My attire consisted of a cashmere sweater, 7FAM jeans and leather flip flops and you would swear that I had on a fur coat in the middle of winter - and this is not to sound stuck up about what I wore at all but apparently the uniform is either skanky slutwear that is 3 sizes too small or your favorite nascar shirt or flannel and jean shorts, needless to say I stuck out like a sore thumb..had I known about the attire requirements I would have tried harder.

So, since my camera wasn't making me happy I have to explain the sub culture that is the golden corral of Brooksville, FL..there was and I swear I am not kidding a woman pushing a baby stroller and IN the 8 or 9 month old baby's cupholder was a glass of sweet tea (I heard her order it) with a straw that she was drinking out of.

My very favorite was the honest to god 70lb 2 year old wedged and I mean WEDGED into a highchair - I am not sure how on earth they got this child in there in the first place. OMG I could barely contain myself, they had a HEAPING plate of fried chicken, gravy and CAKE...it was gross.

Now on to something that i managed to capture unfortunately you would need video to really get the full effect of it. There I was waiting for my mom to come out of the local walgreens and I noticed some action in the minivan drivers seat a few handicapped spots over..(no I wasn't in one) and it was this VERY LARGE *woman* moving around in it, well upon further inspection I realized that this person was fighting with someone in the backseat and the entire van was moving back and forth as she moved. Well, once again upon closer inspection, this was an 11 or 12 year old girl...well the vans brake finally gave and the whole thing rolled back out of the spot and into the parking lot...it was freakin hysterical to see them scramble, and then the mom came out and was PISSED..I only got a picture of the girl when they had gotten the van back in the spot and relinquished the girl to the backseat...

I hope to have something better for you tomorrow..

Documentation of Florida "Culture" and the locals....Post 1 of however many it takes...

2009-02-20T22:30:00.001-05:00

So, I love to document shit I see and typically I try to get pictures or a very accurate description..well since I am in Florida right now there is a plethora of stuff to get pictures of so I will start documenting stupid shit I see here...I have also figured out how to silence the "Ka-chh" of my cell phone camera.

So to start I have a hair braid turd in the publix paking lot..

And a woman in wal mart in fur coat (it was 60 outside and probably 75 in WM) and boots, she had huge lime green earrings a victoria beckham style haircut (mind you it was done in Florida) with some bad ass highlights...omg it was a trainwreck..so here she is from the back.

Cloth Diaper Picture...so cute

2009-02-20T17:15:00.000-05:00

This really makes me want to have another especially since Sarah is having one..

Shane William is here!!!

2009-02-20T15:55:00.000-05:00

And he is gorgeous! He was born at 12:39pm today weighing 7 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches long! Everyone is doing well!! Jess will post her birth story when she has free time from adoring her new baby!!

Babywatch Harlan Update 3

2009-02-20T08:55:00.000-05:00

As of 6:30 this am she was 3cm, 50% -2 station and they were starting pitocin again at 6:45

She started contracting a lot and hopped on her ball but they can't track the baby while shes on the ball and so shes getting the epi so that she can manage the pain in bed.

I am waiting on a text back for Shane's information so I will update with that when I have it.

Babywatch Harlan update 2

2009-02-19T20:02:00.001-05:00

The pitocin hasn't helped there is no progress so they are going to try cervadil tonight and then pick up in the morning.

Babywatch Harlan 2009...He's on his way!

2009-02-19T13:39:00.000-05:00

I am the official updater of the Harlan baby Shane so this is officially the start of babywatch 2009!!

Jess started to worry this morning when she wasn't feeling Shane move around so she called the dr and they said to come on in. Now this is after a nasty fall yesterday which landed her in L&D but with a good NST.

She called Adam and he was on his way home when I spoke with her and her parents are on their way up and there is a babysitter on the way to watch Maggie so she went on to the hospital herself and Adam was staying behind for an hour and a half or so to watch Maggie until said babysitter arrived.

So, they are starting pitocin to induce this little guy out of there now and I will update as I know anything!! Lets send lots of easy labor vibes to Jess...she had it so tough last time.

Feng Shui and my bedroom

2009-02-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

So, we ordered a new bedroom set for presidents day weekend and what an adventure that was! I can't begin to contain my excitement at the thought of having a "put together" bedroom..seriously. Some background and context on why I might feel that way just to make it interesting:

We are currently using the headboard from my husbands old house (yes where his ex wife lived as well) which I detest..its so ornate and well just ugly. Oh and did I mention HUGE? My husbands old house was over 7000 sq feet so you can imagine the size of the master bedroom..well mine is not nearly that large.

So I decided on the King Street set from Thomasville which I love and it fits in the room so much nicer, it was more than I anticipated spending but who knew bedroom furniture cost 10,000 once you got all the pieces you need? Seriously, I had NO CLUE, what a rip...I was thinking more along the lines of 5k? Yeah, that would have covered the bed and night stand? I really went into the wrong career..apparently I should have been making furniture. It will be here in about 4 weeks so I need to get that room prepped and ready to go! So on to the feng shui of my craptastic bedroom..

I am all about making my life more peaceful these days so this is terribly appealing to me and given that we are redoing the bedroom anyway this is a good time to make good energy flow changes!

So, one problem is that I have some pictures that I wanted to put in but they have water in them and you aren't supposed to have water in your bedroom because it douses the "fire"..LOL this makes me laugh.

My good points on the FS are:
I hate mirrors in the bedroom so there are none in my furniture order..
The bed is large and wooden
I ordered two bedside tables so there will be balance
I dont love taking care of plants and they typically turn brown anyway so there wont be any in my bedroom
there will be a clear path into the bedroom and to both sides of the bed
the tv will remain in my room but it will be in a cabinet (I consider this a total win)
I do not exercise therefore I do not forsee a problem with having any exercise equipment in the room...LOL

Bad FS points:
I want to paint the room in a soothing ocean color (specifically benjamin moore rhine river), I really dont want a skin color in my room
Lighting, this really isn't a bad fs point other than for my electricians sake..aka my husband.
electromagnetic fields...yeah like my husband will ever leave his blackberry outside of our room..he just doesn't care about our romantic chi..thats all...lol

Well, I have bored you all enough with my feng shui stuff..and if you got this far who of you all believes in this? I am not sure I do but its worth a try I figure harmony is one of my new buzz words for life.

What a crazy few days

2009-02-17T15:29:00.000-05:00

Low points...

Sarah's dad is in the hospital again and needs all the prayers we can muster for him. Also God if you are checking in on my blog here, I would like to be able to move his going home healthy to the high points for next week please k. thanks.

Karl had to stay in London until Friday

Alex popped by..

Holding my mom off on if we were going to drive to Florida or not this weekend...what a pita that was

High Points..

I got to go to a valentines day dinner with my husband ALONE..lovely and I had my first beer since getting sick.

I had my first cup of starbucks since getting sick (1/2 caff)

My baby made me laugh and smile a lot

My child was the most perfect companion in the car ride for over 1100 miles

I am sitting in a house that has the sliding doors open listening to birds singing and oh well..its 72 degrees..yay!!

I am honestly feeling more and more like myself and I am absolutely getting better! I am hoping some time in the sunshine of Florida will do me some major good even though my mom has my entire time here planned out with lunches and dinners and parties.

Neurologist Results

2009-02-12T23:30:00.000-05:00

Really quickly...everything is fine, neuro says its nothing to worry about so thank you all so much for the prayers and thoughts.

I am feeling ok about 60% of the time....so I am really striving for 80% then I will work towards 100%

One funny thing in case you dont read comments and you are still looking for your three things today

2009-02-12T23:20:00.002-05:00

Here is Scarlett..(Thanks Tiff) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIwTYL1fwJk

And here is the guy who really made me laugh (Thanks Sarah) - go to 2:26: Guy with a great laugh

Here's to finding 3 things that really make you laugh every day!

2009-02-09T22:38:00.023-05:00

So, my dear husband likes Joel Osteen who I am not a huge fan of but can deal with him. So, as I am going through all of this stress and anxiety and everything else I turned on the tv in the kitchen during breakfast, he happened to be on and the first words out of his mouth were, everyone is stressed and anxious..

So I decided to watch it for a bit and he said that everyone needs to find 3 things every day that make you laugh. What I have realized is that I have truly lost my sense of humor..I don't laugh nearly as much or as easily as I used to so I am going to work on finding these three things every day. He said something about laughing inside to yourself and chuckling and how that is no good for you and that you just need to let it out..

Laughing releases endorphins which just make you feel good and reduces stress hormones...so here's to laughing really hard 3 times a day!

I am officially a mommy....

2009-02-07T22:04:00.005-05:00

Well, the change has happened, I am now mommy not mama. Its a little bittersweet but its really sweet when she says it and it all happened yesterday randomly out of nowhere.

Just something I don't want to forget...

MRI results...

2009-02-05T22:05:00.009-05:00

Well, its mostly good, they did find a small *something* in my brain (temporal lobe) thats about 1-2mm but its not a mass or tumor so I am not really worried. I am going to see a neurologist so that I can actually KNOW what the hell it is, my family doctor was obviously not qualified and simply read me the radiologists report over the phone. Its unfortunate he couldn't email me a copy so I could take a look at it, I am much better with my medical literature when its in black and white in front of me.

So anyways, thats that. Today was a good day and I am so thankful for it, hopefully this keeps up and we have all good days from now on!

MRI of my brain...and other miscellaneous ramblings

2009-02-04T16:44:00.037-05:00

Wow did that suck, I had to get stuck in that tube with my Jasonesque facemask, thank god I am not claustrophobic. I was mostly pissed that at the end they didn't allow me to take a peek at my brain, for Christs sake, ITS MINE and not to mention my extensive medical expertise...now I have to wait for some half assed radiologist to look at it and send a report to my doctor.

I know whats wrong with me and so all of these tests I have had done do help to alleviate some of my anxiety but I really need to go and have the detrol discussion..LOL..I have always wanted to walk in and say that to him but alas, I really do need to consider medication so I have been researching some of the possibilities - not detrol - hopefully I just get OK and move on from this bullshit.

I feel alright today, Karl is home and I am hoping that has nothing to do with it and I can just get on with getting some help but also feel ok in the meantime as well..we shall see. I am hopeful.

I have been talking to my brother again every day since last Saturday when I found out his crack ass cunt of a *wife* shacked up in some two bit motel with some guy who works at the local discount mart doing coke and having sex. My poor brother ended up finding out this which I wont get into how but he went and sat outside the motel until they came out in the morning. I love him dearly and somehow he has helped me to start feeling better I think, we used to talk every day on his way home from work and she didn't like it so it faded off..and while we kept in contact it wasn't always as consistent as I would have liked. Anyway, I have to figure out how to help him afford a house so that he can live happily without her, I am considering even just sending him 150 a month to help out with expenses, I think thats as much as I can squeeze out of my cash only budget per month..lol I will do what I can. Maybe Karl will just write him a check..

Well, other than that there's not much to report, I will get back to this blogging thing and once again hopefully it will help me...I will update with the MRI results as soon as I get them.

Yes, I have been ignoring you......

2009-02-03T15:38:00.025-05:00

But I have had a lot going on. Holidays, sickness, worry...everything...and it has all landed me in a sea of symptoms, drs appointments, tests and general craziness.

I feel like hell...I haven't known what is going on and still really dont but I found the article below today and it sums up my symptoms fairly well...how scary...I have most of them.

So, between my stressful marriage, lack of help and or family in the area, my dad's passing, stepkids, 2 year old and every other stress in my life I am snapping...I apparently just can't do it all and I have to start letting go for my own sanity and health and so that my daughter has a mother who is functional. I need to simplify..I need to figure out how to let things go and stop worrying so much about everything. Hopefully I can manage to do this.

Physical Symptoms Of Anxiety - Panic

Palpitations - Heart Beating Hard and/or Fast or Pounding - Heartbeat sensations that involve a regular or irregular pounding of the heart. It is a conscious, unpleasant awareness of one's own heartbeat, or a sensation of skipped or stopped beats. Palpitations can be felt in the chest, throat, or neck. Palpitations may be felt accompanying emotions such as excitement or fright. Everyone experiences palpitations at some time in life. Pounding of the heart, brought on by strenuous exercise or strong emotions, is rarely associated with serious disease.

Sweating - Perspiration - In most cases, sweating is perfectly natural, especially when exercising, or hot, or if something has happened to cause an emotional response (being angry, embarrassed, nervous, afraid, or anxious)

Trembling or Shaking - Trembling or shaking can be associated with fatigue, stress, anxiety, anger, or rage. However, a constant tremor that is not associated with altered emotional states may be a sign of disease or a abnormal condition and should be evaluated.

Shortness of Breath - Breathlessness - Difficulty Breathing - A sensation of difficult or uncomfortable breathing, or a feeling of not getting enough air. If the brain, muscles, or other body organs do not receive enough oxygen, a sense of breathlessness may occur. Sometimes emotional distress, such as anxiety, can lead to difficulty breathing.

Difficulty Swallowing - The sensation that food is stuck in the throat or upper abdomen. This may be felt high in the neck or lower down, behind the breastbone (sternum). Sometimes emotional distress, such as anxiety, can lead to difficulty swallowing.

Sharp Pains in the Chest or Chest Discomfort - Sometimes described as a heaviness, pressure, or discomfort in the chest. When faced with unexpected chest pain, it is normal for people to fear the worst because chest pain is a symptom to which many people think "heart attack." Nevertheless, chest pain can have many causes unrelated to the heart. Sometimes being caused by a panic-anxiety attack.

Abdominal Pain - Stomach Pain - Abdominal pain is a nonspecific symptom that may be associated with a multitude of conditions such as anxiety or strong emotions. Some symptoms do not occur within the abdomen itself, but cause abdominal discomfort.

Nausea and Vomiting - Nausea and vomiting are controlled by the central nervous system. Nausea is controlled by a part of the nervous system that controls involuntary bodily functions. Vomiting is a reflex controlled by a vomiting center in the brain. Vomiting can be stimulated by various triggers, such as smell, taste, anxiety, pain, motion, changes in the body caused by inflammation, poor blood flow, or irritation.

Dizziness - Lightheadedness - Faintness - Dizziness is a feeling of faintness or light-headedness, making it difficult to maintain balance while standing or sitting. A persistent light-headed feeling without other symptoms is often due to anxiety, rather than a brain tumor or other hidden disease. If it is severe, some anti-anxiety medications can help treat light-headedness and dizziness.

Hot or Cold Flashes - A short lasting feeling of "warm or cool" sensations in the upper body. Sometimes emotional distress, such as anxiety, can lead to hot or cold flashes.

Fears of Losing Control, Dying, or "Going Crazy"

Click here to read more about Fears of Losing Control, Dying, or Going Crazy.

Please Pray for this man <3

2008-12-07T07:39:00.000-05:00

As you all know I have a soft spot for anyone with lung problems but this man has lung problems and he is one of my most wonderful friends father. Please pray for him as he is in the hospital right now fighting the good fight. I hope Sarah doesn't mind me putting his picture up. <3

For as long as I live I will never ever ever forget this...

2008-11-13T21:44:00.000-05:00

Setting: Me and OJ in the chair in her room, her laying in my arms

I cocked my head over to the side so i was looking straight at her and said I love you and she said I wooov ooo mama

I swear I have never heard anything sweeter. I just don't get to hear her say I love you much because she still isn't talking a ton even though she has said it before and this time she added a mama at the end which was a first. I love this kid SO much OMG. I am so glad I went back and ordered the larger dollhouse. LOL :o)

Starbucks Red Cups and Dollhouse woes...

2008-11-11T23:12:00.000-05:00

So I can't explain how giddy I get when the red cups come out at Starbucks..don't ask me why, I just love them and am so sad to see them go in January. It also means we are currently `17 days from the Christmas blend arrival.

OJ is getting a dollhouse for Christmas this year and we found the perfect one today at Pottery Barn Kids...unfortunately it is $700....boo to that. So, I ordered a smaller one that they have for $200 and I just hope that she likes it. The only thing that I have to get for it is a staircase, she likes making the peeps come down the stairs...lol. As soon as the 700 dollar one goes on sale shes getting it, how many times are you a kid? She needs it and if my husband wouldn't kill me she would be getting it now for Christmas. The thing is amazing but at that price it comes with NOTHING...not even a little person...

I need a nap...

2008-11-08T14:39:00.000-05:00

I am so lazy tired today...it is raining and generally yucky outside so its not surprising but I think I am going to go lay down before G&T arrive this evening for the fall beer tasting party we are having!

YAWN...

My heart aches..

2008-11-07T14:58:00.002-05:00

There is a little boy Olivia's age who is fighting neuroblastoma and it is absolutely making my heart ache. It makes my heart ache for his parents and family who sit there watching him play all the while knowing what is happening in this little boys body and what might be. It makes my heart ache to know that this little boy may never know life or be around to live his own out. I am praying for a miracle, his lungs have to stay the same or get better this week in order to start the only possible treatment that is left in the arsenal but they don't know what is causing his lungs to have problems if its the cancer or pneumonia. This treatment is it, there is nothing else that they can do for him so please take the time to say a prayer, send positive thoughts, whatever you can muster to this little man and his family because they need it right now.

I keep waiting for updates from his mom online and I at the same time don't want to get another one. Last night when I put Olivia down to bed I held her and thanked God for a healthy child.

Already feeling better and a warning..

2008-11-06T07:55:00.002-05:00

Well yesterday I went and had the hellish IUD mirena taken out of my body, this was such an easy way to not have to worry about birth control. Seemed great right? NO..

Two weeks after I had my precious baby I was in a size 6 again, not in my slim cut jeans but I was much skinnier than I am as I sit here writing this. I had the mirena placed and before I realized what the hell was going on, I had gained 20 lbs, I never felt quite right, depression set in, I have anxiety, there was no energy to be mustered up in my body, my marriage was not a happy place and a myriad of other strange things happening. So I had just assumed that this was all to do with the shitty year I had with my dad dying and all. I started therapy this year for my depression and anxiety issues and really do feel better about things but not quite *right*. Well fast forward to two months ago and I googled "mirena weight loss" and what the hell I didn't find. I was reading my story all over these pages from all of these women. I was amazed, I had never thought to put it together and so finally I made the decision to have it removed.

This morning I woke up and felt rested, something I haven't felt in forever no matter how much sleep I have had, I also hopped on the scale and I am down 2.5 lbs and I ate pizza yesterday..go figure! I have been literally unable to lose weight, no matter what I do, I can starve myself and not lose weight with that thing in me. Apparently thats just something that goes along with it. So we shall see, maybe my size 6's by Christmas? One can hope!

Anyways, I want to tell you all if you are experiencing any of these problems and you have this, don't take it lightly, you may be part of this 1% of people that have these side effects. Now I am waiting for the mirena crash, which happens about two weeks after you have it taken out (it takes that long for the synthetic hormones to leave your body), I am hoping that I just cruise through this but we shall see. I am just going to keep in mind how much better I am going to feel once this shit is out of my body!!

Here are some sites to check out if you have any of these issues:

HERE HERE and HERE

Blonde no more and Snow in October???

2008-10-30T08:44:00.003-04:00

Here are some pictures...I decided to go back to my natural brown color due to my budgetary constraints and spending 250 every 4 weeks didn't seem worth it, its a nice change and I am sure come spring I will be itching to go back to blonde.

From 28 October 2008

And yes, it really did snow in Jersey on 28 October 2008 and heres my proof:

From 28 October 2008

OH and lest I forget, OJ insisted on wearing Kyle's swimsuit while we cleaned up from making some cookies:

From 28 October 2008

Non partisan complaint

2008-10-29T23:00:00.002-04:00

I am honestly sick of seeing all of the signs...my neighborhood is littered with yard signs one after the other in the median, on the side. I can honestly say that seeing no less than 30 Obama and 30 McCain signs on my way from the traffic light to my right turn into my house doesn't really change anything. Literally in the median on one stretch there are 10 Obama signs that are about 2 feet from each other...what the hell does this do? It all just annoys me and what kills me is that these people who put them up certainly aren't going to come pick them up so that I don't have to look at them after the 4th, they will make it so that my township has to come through and do it, which then will probably raise my taxes again! LOL...

Ok, rant over.

Mapping my walks!

2008-10-29T08:28:00.001-04:00

How cool is this! I found this tool to map out the walks I am *trying* to take every day!

By the church
Find more Walks in Princeton Junction, New Jersey

Count all of your blessings...large and small

2008-10-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we went to Kyle's soccer tournament which is run by Special Olympics of New Jersey. Needless to say getting through 4 games was painful especially when Kyle took off screaming around the field....lol

The best part of the whole thing was the end when these kids got medals..everyone gets something and it is presented to them in a true Olympic style, it is incredible to see these little 6-15 year olds be so truly proud of themselves and something they accomplished! It totally brought a tear to my eye and a new thankfulness that Olivia is not challenged in this way. There were kids there that you wouldn't know had something going on and then there were downs children. It was so sweet to see them showing off those medals, I just loved it. It really made me step back and think about just how lucky we are!

So count all of your blessings big and small everyday.

Some pictures

2008-10-21T22:23:00.002-04:00

Not much to update but we did have a fun time running around with wow wow, widget and waldon when the wind kicked up tonight before going to whole foods to get some dinner.

From OJ 10-21-08

Mom-ism's 20 October 2008

2008-10-20T23:28:00.000-04:00

First off thank you to Sarah for reminding me I should keep note of these momism's...for future levity.

********And YAY for Becca coming home!!*******<-----if i could make this sparkle I would...

1) Background: family friends - years like 40+, great people would do anything for anyone they hit a really rough patch and lost their business this year and now Joe has lost his job..

They decided to say fuck it and move to the west coast of Florida - they currently live in Va Beach, Joe asked my mom if he could stay this weekend at her home while he interviewed she said yes of course

So then Joe asked if she would mind if he stayed with her for a few weeks if he was fortunate enough to get the job because his wife has to stay at her job while they sell the house in VA, she of course said absolutely

So on our conversation this evening she said to me, he may be here 6 weeks and I said well that would be great (obviously not explanatory enough) My mom says, yes, it will be great for me, i will have some company (insert dot dot dot..mouth open)

Now, this is totally my mom's MO so its not shocking by any means but it still amuses me (thanks to Judith)

2) Also she asked me if I knew who James Patterson was and then before I could answer she said oh you don't read...

UH...do you know me at all? LOL..

Some observations from today..

2008-10-20T16:20:00.001-04:00

I feel horribly for people who end up with help like the help I saw today at the market. There were some African American women and they had 3 white children - all in polo clothes mind you - around here not crazy to see kids with the nannies right, I live in a fairly affluent area. Well, I am positive that if the mothers saw how the children were being cared for they may take a step back and wonder if its worth it. These women were putting on those black satiny head wraps, smoking, and cussing up a storm about someone who got busted this weekend..blah blah, I saw the children just looking at them, one was around 9 months in the cart and then a boy and girl who paitiently waited for these women to get moving. It was painful to see as the kids waited by the cart as instructed to do. I am so thankful for the ability and desire to stay home with Olivia.

Pillsbury pumpkin shape printed sugar cookie dough raw is delicious. Me and OJ made some today and I couldn't help myself from taking one of them (I love cookie dough ice cream) and man was it tasty, I highly recommend it. LOL

OJ cracks me up every day..today I was watching her put all of the stuffed animals that live in her crib in between the crib rail and the wall then apparently her widget made its way down there then she proceeded to say oh oh...widgeeeet..widgeeet...uh oh....uh oh...

If you don't know what a widget is, its the girl from wow wow wubbzy, she has all the little plush animals of the show like the ones below:

Mirror mirror on the wall...

2008-10-17T13:55:00.003-04:00

OJ went to dance class today and proceeded to sit in front of the mirror and make faces at herself and kiss the mirror for about 5 minutes as the rest of the class went on, doing the lollipop dance. One of the other mothers and I were crying we were laughing so hard...it was precious.

Boiling water...in my eye?

2008-10-17T13:52:00.002-04:00

LOL..this was my fabulous 82 year old mil's idea for my current eye sitch..

Yesterday I noticed that my eye is red and looks like pink eye but its not so her solution was to suggest that I boil water, put it on a cotton ball and put that in my eye...just as hot as I can stand it.

I love that woman, shes nuts but I swear she just makes me laugh. She was so serious about this that she made sure to mention it throughout our day together yesterday. <3

Olivia...oh Olivia...how I love you

2008-10-15T16:56:00.003-04:00

So, little one didn't want to go to sleep last night so I took her up and as I was getting settled in to read to her while she did stuff in her room she started to fill her crib up with stuffed animals and other miscellaneous toys. I couldn't help but laugh she was just so cute, she had this serious look about her too which was hysterical.

So I started reading and she was telling me more pumpkins so we read every single pumpkin related book she owns (a total of 4 I believe) and then I finally got her to sit in my lap I rocked her then put her in her crib. She started freaking so I said I would lay down on her floor until she went to sleep well, she still had some of the aforementioned stuffed items in her crib and so all of a sudden I look up and shes saying walk walk..and shes got this stuffed snowman walking along the rail of her crib then she says mama..sit - she was trying to get the snowman to sit on the rail. I line animals up on there for her sometimes and make them walk around for her so she was doing it and yelling at me for some help. It was just really funny to me..on *paper* not so much..lol. Then she had me up at 4:45am downstairs for the day, I have been up since 3 now and am starting to get tired.

Here are the pictures from the pumpkin picking/hayride and some randoms I took in the backyard yesterday:

This is from when she refused to take her hat off and it was 76 out...tending to her parsley:

So happy!!

Found her hanging out in the chair with her feet up on the pillow last night - she moved the pillow there, apparently our chairs aren't comfy enough:

WOW WOW Everyone...How Exciting!!

2008-10-13T18:00:00.004-04:00

We made it to the official wow wow wubbzy blog!

WOW WOW Olivia

Keep the 40 bucks in your pocket..

2008-10-13T16:02:00.000-04:00

I was so excited to get a new hand held steam cleaner today as my plan was to clean the fridge! I love my shark steam mop so I got the shark steam bottle...save your money, I could have spit more steam out than this little piece of crap created. It is going back to Target (as soon as I opened the box I saw that it had water residue in the reservoir so I knew it would be iffy)! It had already been returned once..so here it goes again! Off to find a more worthwhile product...

A Proper Update

2008-10-07T20:50:00.004-04:00

So, I haven't updated in quite a while, we have had tons going on, my mom was here for 2.5 weeks and then Olivia caught another cold (besides those 2 year molars coming in).

So, things are awesome with Karl and me, we took the kids to the hayride this weekend (Karl is such a city boy that it makes me chuckle when he has to sit down in some hay, I got some great pictures so I will post those here.

Olivia rocks, she cracks me up on an hourly basis but she drives me nuts half of the rest of the time left in our days. She is so incredibly spoiled that I am more shocked when shes NOT yelling at me (the terrible twos have clearly arrived)...lol She is the funniest little person I have ever met. Her favorite show is wow wow wubbzy, shes going to marry him kind of Nora and Caillou relationship here, and so last night we let her watch him while we were relaxing before taking her up and she was sitting in between Karl and me on the sofa naming all the characters over and over..weeegeee (widget), walllon (waldon) and wow wow which is very clearly spoken! As most of you that read this know Olivia doesn't speak a lot Even Karl was chuckling because it was so cute. I swear I just adore this child with everything in me and I am happy with just her, as much as I love newborns they all grow up. OJ is doing dance and music classes right now and she loves both, although music she is much more interactive with. Dance is really more interpretive and she does more of her own thing there so its not necessarily as good for her development. I am considering taking her to a coop nursery school for one half day a week just to get her around other kids without me to see if that helps to socialize her a bit.

My house is a disaster most of the time which drives me absolutely batty..this is the part I can't take about having a 2 year old plus the *somtimes* children aka my "bonus kids" (HA!) whoever came up with that didn't have the kind that can't bother to take the underwear out of their jeans (yes this is common in our home - gross isn't it?) Why on earth do I have to pick up after these kids? Its so not my responsibility and it pisses me off to no end. I am seriously considering having a family meeting about it all and seriously putting my foot down. I have already done a laundry stop, I refuse to do someones laundry who won't pick up after themselves and would rather trip over the clean laundry basket that I filled with clean folded clothes than take it up the stairs. Ok, that really turned into a rant.

I honestly am torn on voting this year. The last election I voted in a vein attempt at keeping Dubbya out. I really am disgusted that this country is unable to give us good candidates to vote for. Its truly amazing..

Well, thats about it from here. I will post pictures once I get them uploaded to my computer.

Verizon Rant

2008-10-07T15:13:00.003-04:00

WOW..I couldn't wait to get away from Comcast and now it seems as though I should have stayed. Verizon didn't transfer the number from comcast and I ended up with 2 numbers and they are charging me for both. I have bills totaling 700 dollars for a month and a half and I should only be paying around 200 dollars. Just as I am writing this I am in my second hour of speaking to them (or being on hold with them) and they just cut me off. I am ready to pull my hair out...this is the most frustrating experience and Karl didn't think we should have switched so now I am getting shit from him to top it all off... I have spent no less than 10 hours trying to fix this problem...

GET ME A GOTTTDAAMMED SUPERVISOR ALREADY for fucks sake.

My TV picture rocks but thats about the only good thing I can say right now.

Mom is departing today will update tonight

2008-09-19T14:50:00.002-04:00

Overall a better visit than we have had in years..my therapy has helped tremendously. THANK GOD.

Free at last thank god almighty free at last....

2008-08-24T22:42:00.003-04:00

They have left, my two week jail sentence has ended for this year..the kids left at 9pm. I have them for the week after Christmas and I am trying to plan a disney world vacay for that period of time so we don't have to sit in the house.

Surprisingly Melancholy....

2008-08-21T06:57:00.002-04:00

Well, shes off to Penn State and my darling husband is trapped in a car with his ex wife for the next few hours and then all the way home tonight (by themselves), hopefully that will make him much more appreciative of me! LOL

I was sad to see her go, I even teared up and melancholy is the best way to describe it, a "gentle sadness"...I am shocked to say the least, I have been counting down the days but I find myself thinking wow, I remember when she was in 8th grade...how can this be?

I think its an amazing step for her, and academically she's amazing, graduated a tough high school with a 4.3 gpa (there is a lot of diverse cultures in this district ;) ) and now shes off to a top 10 business school..not too bad, I am proud of her, I just hope that being a very small fish in a very big pond helps with a slight attitude adjustment that is sorely needed.

On another note, I have been up for what seems like forever (Alex left at 5:30 this morning) because the ex's parents are coming by to pick up Taylor for practice and they judge...so since everyone always oh so graciously lets them in, I have to clean up this mess that everyone else has made....

OMG...10 18 year olds and me drinking all night

2008-08-16T14:28:00.001-04:00

equals a 32 year old with a hangover until 1pm....lord lord lord it was a good time but wow...I think I have now run my course with margaritas.

Awesome times with awesome ladies...

2008-08-14T10:31:00.002-04:00

OMG, I had the best time this week and I will update later but I just want to say thank you, you guys rock!!

Tiny Dancer

2008-08-04T18:40:00.004-04:00

Well, OJ is the dancing-est baby that I have seen, I love it, she totally digs classic rock and show tunes. Some of her favorite songs are "our house", "margaritaville", and "lively up yourself" and she totally jams away to lots of different types of music. So, I have enrolled her in the dance studio down the street for tiny tots dance. OMG, this is going to be SO funny.

Showing off her new ballet shoes:

The Bay-bee situation..

2008-07-31T15:53:00.003-04:00

So, fluffybuns is all about her dolls right now, they are *bay-bees* it is by far her clearest word. She adores them and when she wakes in the night and has forgotten to take her one specific bay-bee to bed she calls for her.

Here's the rub..this is the ugliest bay-bee ever, and I mean ever.

Proof:

So we take troll baby wherever we go. She loves her. This is a 10 inch sized bay-bee and im beginning to wonder if thats not the appeal. I have purchased other bay-bees for fluffybuns but they do not have the same appeal as this troll doll which might I add was supposed to look like this:

So, I was really hoping to find a replacement baby for her so that she could have a pretty bay-bee and then I realized, this bay-bee is pretty to her in some sort of way..should I really try to get her to love another? Is that fair of me?

Landscaping...thank god.

2008-07-31T15:28:00.003-04:00

I have had more and more of my neighbors *pop by* to say how happy they were to see us "make some changes"..it makes me chuckle every time to think what they all must have been talking about.

Here are some context pictures although not great because we cut things back (sometimes) and took some things out so that people could get in to do work.

so here it is..

If you want to see ALL of the pictures I took for my mother to *show off* please click here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/smyocum/TheYardJuly2008?authkey=iE2V6HW6pWU

YAY for an update! LOL...

2008-07-30T09:20:00.003-04:00

So, we are both sick thank you to one of the others. OMG, she is not sleeping err..she can't sleep really because she can't breathe poor baby.

We finally got all of the landscaping done other than the patio around the sunroom so we no longer look like the ghetto trailer park house. All of my neighbors have thanked us and thats when I knew it was bad. LOL I will upload pictures of the new yard today.

I am so excited to meet all my friends that are coming to the NY area in the next couple of weeks. Its so strange, I know them but I have yet to have met them.

My hairdresser is here now so I have to get my hair done, ill bbl to update more.

Super Quick Update

2008-07-13T23:01:00.003-04:00

While inexcusable and believe me he is getting plenty of shit for it..yay me..theres a lot of serious shit going on in his head and I believe that I was just the person that he knew could take it and he lashed out and I got the full force of his wrath.

We are still working on the girls room and I will surely post pictures shortly.

Big Thank You's to all of you, you rock big time. I love you all. :o)

A bit of clarification....LONG (work in progress)

2008-07-08T08:26:00.006-04:00

This is going to be a work in progress because its just a lot of stuff to get down and I seem to get off track!

So, even though I knew there was no real relationship left between husband and me this hit me like a ton of bricks. Here are the main factors of my unhappiness:

Husband never home because of work, I have no support system of friends or family in the area, I can't seem to get over my dad's death and allow him to rest in peace, my relationship with my mom is as strained as they get, I have no childcare help at all ever, I cannot manage to keep an organized neat home with the "others" ransacking it all the time, my husband really takes no responsibility and doesn't make anyone (read: others) take any either but I shouldn't allow this house to be this disorganized.

So, some context around the husband telling me he was leaving the other night...

We have been re-arranging the rooms all weekend so that O has her own room and K has the bigger room that his older sister headed away to college in Aug doesn't use as she prefers my velvet sofa with the 60 inch flat screen tv left on all night. This particular other is his favorite (his first) and so taking her room away was a big deal to him even though they share at the mothers home.

So, what started this entire argument was when I asked him what he wanted for dinner, me to order pizza or run to the local Italian place and pick up sammiches. You don't need all the full details here because they don't matter but that's what started this whole ordeal.

So he told me that I sit around all day and think about all the things I don't have when I have so much. How can I be miserable when I have so much? Yes, there is no question, I have a lot, more than most but what the hell does money have to do with it? EVERYTHING boils down to money with this man.

I can't seem to move past my dad's death and that's for sure, it left a huge hole in my life but I don't necessarily dwell on it, he just pops in and out of my head daily - unfortunately I have no clue as to how I should let him rest in peace. My relationship with my mom, yes it bothers me probably more than I put on but I don't think about it too much and I still call her most every day despite all of the problems. When I was working I traveled anywhere between 125 and 150k miles a year to other countries and cities, all of my friends are in Maryland, how was I supposed to make friends in Jersey again? Oh and my neighbors? Yeah, they are all like 50 so no, as nice as they are, I don't really want to "hang" with them, they aren't my kinds of peeps. But I have no support system here, I need one thats for sure, but I am "selective" with people.

The others...omg where do I begin? Here is a small (very small) cross section: The house can be perfectly straight and they arrive and an hour later you would think that the FBI had been in looking for shit. I more often than not find jeans in the bathroom and around the bedroom floors that still have the thongs that were worn with them still attached. Where the fuck did I sign up for that?? There was nothing about that in the contract. Why do I spend hours doing laundry for it all to sit around on my dining room table and have it rifled through when they need something? Dishes everywhere, coke cans everywhere ( I have stopped purchasing soda now), the dishwasher never gets a first thought, it all goes in the sink if it makes it that far. I should get one of those gottdammned signs that says your mother doesn't work here so clean the fuck up after yourself. When I see them laying on the couch doing nothing it drives me insane.

I will come back to update more. I have to get ready to get some stuff done today.

Thank you to all my friends that care! I appreciate it you guys rock.

Rockbottom...it's here.

2008-07-07T11:00:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it. This has to get better. Fuck me.

More later when I don't feel hungover with no good drinking stories.

Crankypants Update - WOOT!!!

2008-07-01T22:02:00.002-04:00

We got them!! We had to purchase them and paid way too much but hey, we have them and I can stop this whining.

Crankypants.....

2008-07-01T16:04:00.002-04:00

I want some in a bad way for OJ of course, I have been religiously sending in my request to be put on a custom list every first of the month between 10 and 12 for a year now and I am sick of it. So last night I decided to start bidding on one of the auctions and this woman was bidding against me and I sent an email saying that I would stop bidding if she didn't bid on the one today, shes an acquaintance so that one went for $215 ok thats not too bad for these, now mine today?? were already up to $180 and we have 6 hours left, I am beyond annoyed. To add to that, once again its the first, I sent in my request and got denied AGAIN...now I know this is silly and just generally immature that I am sad I can't get these little pants for OJ so please don't think that I don't know I am being ridiculous. Anyways, I do believe that I am in it to the end tonight, I am going to win those pants come hell or high water!

I will update at 10est on the status of our crankypants

:o)

Olivia's Room....FINALLY!!!!!!

2008-06-29T17:56:00.003-04:00

Well, today we start the road to OJ getting a room of her very own. This has been such a sore spot in my head with husband...

OJ is the only child that lives here full time and shes the only one without her own room, one of the others doesn't even utilize her room and instead sleeps on my couch each and every time she stays the night. Now, at this point I could care less about her sleeping on the couch but the fact that we had such opposition (by said husband) to move rooms around. There is some underlying guilt about his previous divorce and that is somehow manifesting itself by his absolute resistance to this. It has been such a source of contempt, and no one understood it, including "the others". So anyways, on to new chapters, we are now getting Kyle's room prepped to be painted and his furniture moved in.

My newest issue is that OJ has to now use a hand me down dresser because "someone" doesn't want to spend the money. Why is it that all his other children had rooms when they came home from the hospital and they were perfectly decorated and I can't have that with my one and only child? I deserve to be able to make her room a special place for her. I am so frustrated with this entire process, I am definitely happy that we are finally moving the rooms so thats win number 1 but I also want her to have a nice room thats not a mish mash of furniture.

OK, rant over...I just hate this shit...

Here are a couple of pictures that I snapped on our after dinner walk...

ELMO

2008-06-27T20:52:00.001-04:00

So, I finally just gave in, I decided that shit, he makes her happy why would I keep her from something that she likes like that? It was a stupid thing and its not like Elmo is going to teach her to deal drugs or some shit.

So fuck it, shes now going to have elmo shit and videos if she so pleases...and I am not going to feel bad about it.

Miscellaneous Ramblings...

2008-06-24T20:41:00.004-04:00

Well, my computer died..really died this time and its only 1.5 years old, the motherboard needs to be replaced. Luckily Arturo was of no help and they are sending someone along to fix it..hopefully soon.

Have you ever purchased something you had a long time ago and it brings back memories? Well, I got a cabbage patch kid for OJ yesterday and at first whif of that new CPK smell (basically just shove 15 pampers swaddlers up your nose and you'll get the drift) I was taken back to opening up my own new CPK's. I remember my mom telling me after I unwrapped them on Christmas morning how she had to fight other mom's for them to get them for me. I know that there were fights over them but somehow I can't imagine my mom as part of all that...oh well.

I will update with the picture of OJ's new CPK because I know you are all interested to see her. And here she is:

Love

2008-06-18T17:25:00.001-04:00

ojsleeping
Originally uploaded by OJFuzzyBottom

There is no one in the world who I love as much as her. I love her more than anything or anyone, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is funny and never fails to make me laugh and shes incredibly smart, her determination and persistence are admirable.

Why then, do I allow myself to take her for granted? I need to step back and re-evaluate things around her. I need to do more with her, we read and play but do I really do all that I should? I could look at her all day but do I really appreciate her?

I think it boils down to the fact that I never (ever) get a break, I think this is where it all goes wrong, I am working 24/7 with her, no help most of the time. I will let her run around and play while I drink my coffee and look around the internet but why don't I just do that while she naps? Why can I not limit it to that? Because I need a break sometimes and I feel horrible about that.

The Dawgs Room

2008-06-18T11:02:00.002-04:00

IMG_1221
Originally uploaded by OJFuzzyBottom

You can see where the dawg may not fit into the decor...

As you can see here there are some "leftovers" the marble top coffee table, the other "dawg", the bottle of wine that I purchased to drink for fathers day forgotten in its brown bag and the husbands papers.

Majestic DAWG

2008-06-18T10:36:00.001-04:00

Majestic DAWG
Originally uploaded by OJFuzzyBottom

So, it looks like it could be fun to put things on the plant stand so I started with the ceramic dawg that my MIL gave us for Christmas such an anomaly in my home, it doesn't go with anything that I have....but hey, we can have some fun with it right??

Its fun when my MIL would find it in the corner so it was a little less conspicuous and then go oh the cleaning people must have moved it and she would move it right back next to the fireplace for all to see..I will post a picture of the room this lives in as well.

Leftovers

2008-06-17T22:10:00.007-04:00

We all have them right? I have lots. I have leftovers all over the place.

I have leftover furniture from someone who has taste completely opposite to my own. I have leftover anger from my dads death. I have leftovers in the fridge that need to be thrown away.

What is it with leftovers? Mine drive me insane.

Aforementioned plant stand - I am seriously thinking of keeping it now to put shit on and take pictures..

I went back and finished this one....

Free Panties and Pack Rats

2008-06-17T14:55:00.003-04:00

Why do I always forget to go get them? As I wade through this craptastic mess of paper that my dear husband loves to collect (read allow to sit around until I do something with it then yells at me for recycling it)..I find that I have missed yet another pair of free panties from victorias secret...I always forget to use those coupons. Next week I am sure that I will find that I need panties.....

So, how is it that I manage to find a ready made family of packrats? I am a die hard thrower awayer....I swear to god this fucking house is absolutely filled with shit we don't need yet husband thinks we should keep it all. I am starting to lose my mind with it all, I am going to start throwing it all away. This has been too long living in this, my basement is stacked full of shit that will never be used. I am pretty sure the plaster "roman" column plant stand from his "old house" won't be needed here...but I suppose you never know......

First one..lets get this out of the way

2008-06-17T13:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I figured it was about time that I do one of these, people have been telling me that it *may* help my mental wellness to get this shit out.

There is a lot of shit to get out and things happen to me all the time so you may be slightly entertained or appalled - you can be the judge.

Also, a warning, I will use foul language here...freely